Monday, August 15, 2016

A 'sorry' entry.

Some days before, aku ada menaip entri tentang uniutama. I thought earlier to complete the entry, Tapi bila dah sampai ke sini, hasrat tu macam termati, begitu.

Aku bukak facebook tadi. There's a status came up in my news feed. And I notice some comments there. and as soon as I've read the comments I chose to read, aku terus blank. Taktahu rasa apa. The feeling is unidentified. Rasa macam not happy nor sad. Not that jealous tho. Tapi, one thing for sure, I am doubting myself real bad whether I am fully healed or not. Aku sentiasa takut, jika aku masih belum recover. Aku masih takut lagi. Sebab this kind of sickness sangat tak menyenangkan dan membuat diri sendiri rasa awful serta tidak selesa.

*post title changed*

*some lines deleted*

It seems like I am uncertain on what more to type.

She's a friend of mine. I valued her so much. We're close. To me, we are. Even we oftentimes tease and mock over one another, but I can tell that we are in a good friendship term. She is someone whom were willing to come and accompany me when it's late at night. She's one of a kind, I can say.

I celebrated her birthday, and she did it for me the same way by preparing gift and such even she was not here at the moment. The one that can stand my BS-craziness and cheesecake-lovedovey all the way. But the feelings I had for her is currently at somewhere else; I don't know where. I might know the reasons why those 'feelings' went away. I'm trying to fix myself, I swear. But up until this moment  I can't find them back yet.

I feel uncomfortable if I have to pretend like things are going so well when I am with her. In contrast, I am also very uncomfortable to even feel this way. To not talking, to not having jokes and spending our times over foods and beverages happily the same way I did long before. Sangat tak menyenangkan. I don't feel ease, at all.

Whenever I think of her without being influenced by anyone else. I pitied her bcs I thought I might really put her in an awkward situation sometimes. Apart from that, aku kadang-kadang kasihan jugak sebab aku rasa... dia ada battle dia sendiri. Keadaan yang menimpa aku; padehal jelas-jelas menimpa dia jugak. Why am I being deadly selfish taking care of my own thoughts and own feelings only? She's must have been confuse and hurt sometimes somehow too.

Aku taktahu lah sama andaian ni cuma andaian semata-mata atau it real happenin'.

I feel so bad the way I am feeling towards her, the way I let myself treat her.
But to be good, while actually I am not yet good.... I feel bad too if I have to continue so.

*title changed, again*

I wanted things to get back to the way it was before.

But I am afraid. Aku takut, even aku dah move on. Even when I am okay regarding my overly-attached-feelings-issue, aku takut bila dengan dia... aku tak selesa.

I am so hurt back then I swear. I was hurt by her to be frank. It was damn hard, especially when we were together. And also when I had this instinct that he will be so much better by her companion than by mine. I am a little bit offended at first, I admitted. (I knew now, how immature all of the thoughts are) Plus, there was a time when he called her so early in the morning just to wake her up; in front of me. The way he did it, he nailed it! and it was kinda pain in the ass too. It was still so vivid. Only God knows how the phone call killed me by that time.

I even cried; almost along the journey when we're on our back home from Sintok - all the way long.
One of the reason why I am so determined to move on bcs I can see no good the feeling brings to me. It even ruin the friendship I had with you. I think so. I am fixing it, I say.

I am afraid that this hurt-felt is leaving their scars. I don't want it to be so.

I feel like, I don't have any other friends too if I don't have her. Everyone here already have their own clicks. If she's gonna be with him all the time while I can't get close to him bcs I am about to teach myself parting from him, stay like a miles away and having our conversation so limited up to work related only.. Then, I am afraid this will take me further apart from herself too. I wish when I chose to let him go. I can be friend to only her. But that sounded so selfish. That might hurt her as well plus I have no rights to decide whose my companion is to be friend with.

I am very sorry over everything.
for being too coward and afraid over so many uncertain things. sorry that I am uncomfortable, still.
Sorry if I hurt you. and at most, sorry for unable to handle the so called one thousand word-essay to let it slip just like that. I'm sorry that I make things obviously awkward.

Aku takdeklah macam overly attached sangat sekarang.
Mungkin usaha sejak 29hb membuahkan hasil.

Most of the time sekarang ni.. I am living my life without thinking of him, without any lingering feelings even without getting jealous over anybody involved pun. since, actually... anything if to happen, it's an expected situation je sbnrnya.  Why do I have to make fuss over it, kann?

tapi perangai yang masih seperti tehi ini.
yang segala cuak kadang-kadang dtg jugak ni.
quite emabarassing. I am sorry, again.

Mungkin entri ini, kalau di-convert ke dlm perbualan whatsapp...
maybe it's the suitable "karangan balas balik".

I hope things will get better.
Apart of losing the one I've crush over is hurt...
To lose a friend whose mean so much is hurting too.

I need to sleep.

p.s. Don't take this too hard. Aku bukanlah seperti yang aku taip dalam entri ini doplohpat jam. Entri ini random dan apa yang aku rasa saat ni boleh saja berubah esok lusa. Kadang-kadang dia datang, dan aku rasa nak menaip. Maka, begini lah. Aku sentiasa mendoakan utk diri sendiri supaya usaha aku berjaya. I wish things will get better, of course. I don't want to mess up with ppl. I wish I am not anymore.

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