Express(ive)

Hey, nightos ppl (that I doubt are there somewhere coming here to read)...

I am switching from twitter to here this quick since I feel like expressing what I have atm right away. Currently on play; Gnash - Belong (ft DENM).

I am at fault atm. I don't know why thou. the first five second I am feeling so emotional and butt hurt (about to cry too, like seriously me?) getting triggered by something I ain't supposed to get swayed by and five second afterwards I felt ashamed of what I've been feeling all awhile. Being 25 and yet to get emotionally triggered by something and bear the effect you cause by such feelings obviously there's no good thing coming out from it. When I am done cooling down, the damage (if I am not aware of it) might be done already - such as - me, expressing my thoughts emotionally while I am at it; being emotional. 

I feel absurd of my way behaving ; halfway egoistic, halfway guilty, halfway low self-esteem and bla bla bla back to back. all halfway work done is  a reflection of how bad I am as a whole and how good I am on being inconsistent (even upon my own feelings? what a shame tbh).

I noticed that I get easily offended when people are describing myself as somewhat expressive. Even when no one is really saying no to it and I am always open whether to take the words seriously or not, I am always ended up (kinda quickly) taking such comments so negative on me. or at least, I am aware so, rn atm I am typing this. What's happening from that point onward is... I'll be changing myself (or forcing myself to change - since I give a hell damn duh about what people are saying. It is concerning especially when it is hurting) towards other's perception - which I thought is intended harshly and negatively on me. That is too, while justifying myself for doing it. lol as if like I am so persistent on doing it my way. nah. 

so yeah, it's a mess.

NP Gnash - Imagine (ft Ruth B) ; eyy I am grooving to this song. I like it!

Anyway, somehow... 

somewhat I think, 

I am being all that mess since I am not confidence of myself.

I mean...

I am expressive.

I like to voice out what I had in mind (and yeah, not everyone are willing to listen to. and frankly not really anyone to talk to; maybe not yet - especially when you're this fucking talkative, analytics and always had some sort of whatever ideas in mind) ugh.

Thus, I go to socmed,

I believe that it's okay to do so since the stuff I talk about is regarding myself

y'know, like.. so long I ain't going around judging or insulting other's preferences or whatsnot

it's not like I am being expressive regarding others

but rather taking my socmed to somehow as an online jurnal of mine.

I feel the need to express things, because I believe my socmed at least has to have space for me to express out myself, I mean, I am doing it on my page, right? am I not allowed to?

i mean, like everyone is getting that same rights, right? they can do whatever they feel when it is theirs. So why does mine, every time have to sound like a nuisance towards my fellow others/readers/ followers etc? I of course, feel bad about it. thinking if, is it that bad towards others?

NP Sasha Sloan - Older 

It's a thread on my very twitter. not on other's profile no way. I am writing status of my own in my account, writing long captions under my very own uploaded picture. Whilst there's rarely anyone that read those and being concern about what's concerning me... yet there are barely none to not give a damn about it. People (sadly closest, or someone known, or at least relatives) are talking about it like it's a weird thing. Some even jokes about it.

- like this one. back in university, they tease me for writing a super long captions. I was like, bro if you can't do one because simply making one is hard on you, why duh have to bother when I did mine?

You have to watch on your grammar and vocab bro to make one caption like mine, have to get crappy poetic to write poems on captions etc. to have unnecessary ideas, even. I am just polishing my additional useless skills while expressing out what I had, yet on my page. is it that disturbing?

I get kinda sad because I think it has been quite often ; being that kind of expressive (not excessive thou as I recall) and it's being talked upon. you don't talk about what I am writing about. simply talk about, that I write and write a lot. doesn't seem like a complimentary and yet when being said to others it makes me so discourage as if my flaws is being deadly exposed. that is (back to the main thing - low self esteem, my bad. I am at fault for wth this mentality).

at times, when mom's knowing about it. she laughs. 

to be laughable at, I thought it is being dumbfounded or so, something like that.

To me when I feel at ease expressing myself; actually I am doing at a place I feel comfortable at to people I trust (with whatever sort of secrets or opinions I had). But once comments, or complaints come from it... then I was like "oh, I thought he/she is at least okay about it - or about how I am (in being that way). but it turns out, not really. my expressiveness stand out *sigh

what's wrong with posting IG story when I feel like it? when I feel like I am hell in pain and have to be expressive about it? when being expressive can help in lessen it when people closer are in no help at all. I don't even exposing things to strangers but among those I know. I don't get hurt of people who are not concern - since people like that. at average, they give priority to people they choose to and that is so okay and understandable. so can't they just let my lot's of stories slide? that's what I think when people brought it up to others that I chose not to let know things I do online. there must be reasons, right? haih

what is wrong about I type too much when you do not? I have no problem with people when they do things different than mine, when I choose it at first place. I mean, if I am that disturbing... people are always open to left, unfollow etc. mute my status if such loads coming from me is becoming a cumbersome to your eyesight. why not... people are putting me on tight spot. following me while not accepting my writing/posting style on my very on space I thought is mine.

btw. tbh.
it has been long since I posted on instagram and facebook. when people are voicing out things... regardless I still think it's a good thing to be pondered upon. I switch to twitter and whatsapp status... ahh people are still feeling off of my writing. *heartbreak hahah

NP Alec Benjamin - Beautiful Pain . oh shit I cry pfft, blame the chorus that the "pain" being said on repeat. hahahaha

um..

for the time being I less preferred blog. It's tiring to type long oh people, lol.

but since they less prefer seeing my writing on socmed. this might be the last resort I had to feel free voicing what I had at times, *sobs

ok snap it.
I am done with writing.
tbh, a blog entry acquired a longer time than a mere caption or a crappy thread.

okay bye.
last song played before signing out
- Alice Kristiansen ; Moon and Back
since it's a pretty full moon tonight heh