What is Wrong With Me?

Hey there.

I am doing the 2nd entry straightaway here after the first comeback. This one, just likewise is one spontaneous posting.

Nak buat content ala-ala informative lol. But let see if I can pull it off. Btw, nak bercerita. Baru saja ni tadi, tersalah makan ubat lagi. I mean, this is my 3rd day or so with (the new) prescribed medicines/vitamins. Nampaknya masih tunggang langgang juga. Ter-missed makanlah, salah waktulah, apalah.  And the latest one, sepatutnya this particular capsule makan sebiji sehari je. But I took it just now with the other pill. Hence an error for the nth time, aduhai. Betul-betul nak kena reset alarm bagai ni. So that I take them on time, and taking it in the right dosage too. Culas betul, my bad! low key let's hope it does not have any side effect on me.

I've been diagnosed an anemic during my (degree) semester break back in the year 2017, if not mistaken. so that explains why I can't do blood donation every time I was trying to (my first try was on 2012 during the PLKN). My HB is always low as my red blood cell is said lacking its iron, sort of. But even since 2012, I never really suspected anything and been living my life just fine. 

It all started back in 2014. Months before my degree admission in September, whence my family and I were in Kuantan for some occasion. there was a night where I suddenly have breathing difficulties, feeking choked-like and very suffocated. I do remember having thoughts almost dead that night since that was pretty much a new experience for me plus it was particularly fall onto the 1st of Sha'ban which that very date is actually the exact date we've lost Shahida the couple years before. it took a toll on my emotional state that night. Having to know how breathing difficulties really felt like and thinking that she (my late sis) had to experience the very same thing until was put into a comatose state teared me up real bad. 

Luckily I was just fine right after being brought to the nearest 24 hours clinic that midnight.

Though, from that moment onward I thought I (suddenly) am quite sensitive to cold-humid weather/condition. since I have no asthma and there's no symptom of it. It remains mystery of what illness causes me that attack. But since that first attack happened after being in an air conditioned room and after having an iced juice for the night... hence the quite-sensitive-to-cold-things just happened. I sensed the patterns afterwards that whenever it rains, or when I stayed for long in air conditioned room, or being directly under a max level fan, the same thing like that one night in June resurfacing. I started to shiver and experienced breathing difficulties. 

Back during the degree time, this explains why those seniors were cutting me some slacks, that I could skipped being in the hall for long, that I was classified "sick" not even knowing what is the exact sickness. hahah. I just told them that I can't be in that air conditioned hall for long. they have to excuse me. This condition also explains why I excluded myself from the very in-tradition "war game" during the Kelab Kembara Induction Camp since it's raining that night and I can't let myself into the rains. Those also the times when I went to class with 2-3 layers of clothes inside just to bear with the air conditioned class, of when I got sicked every time it's raining heavily in Sintok that I curled myself alone beneath the blanket, switching the lights on and the fan off. 

Only on 2017 that I know, this condition of mine is most probably are the symptoms of having an anemia. Thanks to 'I suddenly ter-blackout (or so, I can't even recall) dekat rumah' that my dad decided to take me for a full check up. That's how it gets acknowledged. 

The condition is getting better nowadays. My HB is getting higher to the date, though not yet sufficient for blood donation. Not that (too) sensitive to rains or sorts, but breathing difficulties come at times too. and just recently I acknowledge new thing upon this health condition of mine... That I have to pantang makan, that the conditions are prone to resurface because of what I consume; eat and drink. 

And these are the things. No wonder lah why I still, sesak nafas sempit dada... Basically been consuming most of the foods in the list lol. 

The following foods can interfere with iron absorption:

• tea and coffee
• milk and some dairy products
• whole-grain cereals
• foods that contain tannins, such as grapes, corn, and sorghum
• foods rich in gluten, such as pasta and other products made with wheat, barley, rye, or oats
• foods that contain phytates or phytic acid, such as brown rice and whole-grain wheat products
• foods that contain oxalic acid, such as peanuts, parsley, and chocolate

One of the most time that is making it hard for me to cope with being an anemic, obviously is during my period. Since I am physically losing blood that in a way losing even more iron I guessed. I am living fine, but I've to say it does makes me uncomfortable from time to time.

p.s. Finally knowing this health issue of mine, no wonder-lah masa STPM dulu sokmo mengadu sakit kepala. Well it's part of the symptom. I am relieved that at least, at that time; I have someone to complain to every time the symptom appeared. I wish to have someone in the near future too, hahaha. Oh and thanks seniors (and even a particular one) yang very as sensitive as myself back then, being so understanding to my conditions, cutting me some slack and protecting me from... the rain (?) heh. It seemed that I have someone I turned to, even at that time. phew... Thus its (my life is) not that bad then eyy.

okay whatever. ciao. 

Another Alter Ego

 Assalamualaikum wbt.

Been months since the last entry. Berangan saja untuk menulis dan berkongsi itu ini, but it rather stays in mind instead. 

So yeah, with an aspiration to keep writing this time around... Aku mulakan posting aku dengan tajuk seperti di atas. (And I decided to keep this rojak somehow. to be comfortable with the writing).

Another Alter Ego it says above. Aku sebenarnya berhasrat nak adakan satu blog lain yang mana tidak begitu bersifat peribadi. Where I can write and be frank about my writing while staying anonymous.You know, like coming in clean - boleh bercakap tentang banyak hal tanpa ambil kira faktor peribadi dan latar belakang yang boleh datang balik as self disadvantages. Though, kalau nak di-reset onto this blog, memang mustahil. Sebab tak kuasa rasanya nak archive those previous postings. I valued my writings here since almost everything is quite personal plus ada sentimental value. I wanted this space to stay personal and creating another with opposite manner. I already plan to (mainly) talk about dramas, movies and songs inside the new blog. nevertheless, buat masa ini rasanya perancangan tersebut gayanya akan ditangguhkan. Pat-lima kali ulang ke 'ruangan' baru, aku sendiri tetap menemukan titik buntu nak upon its setting, writing style, concept etc.

Asalnya untuk jadi lebih terbuka, frank in a way. But I ended up (lagi) tak tahu nak tulis apa. Walhal idea dan tajuk tu dah bersusun. But having (again) another alter ego just to asingkan between personal and non, I get stuck. Tak boleh berhabis jujur pula rasanya. Atau mungkin sebab dah biasa berada di sini. 

having to contemplate which blog to use for writing (though ended up here for the time being), mengenangkan aku kepada (one of the) literature piece yang pernah diguna zaman sekolah menengah dulu. Dr Hyde and Mr Jekyll kalau tak silap tajuknya. Yang mana doktor yang baik hati, mengasingkan naluri/sifat jahat dalam diri dia dengan mencipta watak yang baru pulak. So that, in such particular character he can freely be evil. He tries to set a clear line between both actually. 

Aku tidaklah sampai begitu. Tapi tendency mengasingkan antara satu perwatakan/minat/hobi dengan suatu perwatakan/minat/hobi yang lain tu macam ada rasanya. Memandangkan aku sendiri ada tiga akaun instagram untuk tiga fungsi berbeza; up to a point aku rasa ketiga-tiganya tidak nice untuk digabung sekali. Sama ada tidak nice kepada aku, atau kepada orang lain entahlah. The justifications for every time I'm doing one might change per se.

ok cop! so apa pekdah menulis posting kalini? What I'm trying to say?

Not sure myself tbh. Sekadar catatan untuk self-reflection mungkin. Elok ke tak elok nak ada alter ego (I called it that way, sejauh mana betul salah penggunaan istilah tu... again, not in my expertise) wallahu'alam. But I do sense, the reasons I'm doing this are not so favorable. I can at least sense that aku asingkan sebab bimbang judgemental orang. I wanted to play safe. 

Likely I am a poet with all those against-the-odds thoughts, but then my personal or background mungkin tak mencerminkan penulisan aku. 

or likely I am an author with all those cheesy cringey lines (katakanlah), but then again it contradicts with my background bla-bla-bla. Sort of like this. 

Having a particular space to make it professional is a BIG YES. but given my reasons (that I can sense this much of course)... I think it's unfortunate that I am actually quite scared of how others are seeing/ perceiving me. Maybe I just made the fuss up lol. 

Having to write this myself - for myself, I hope that I can be true(er) in the future without having to worry so much that I keep on thinking on creating an another alter ego that suits some of my  particular interest at particular times.

I wish that I am brave enough to embrace myself. - that I can be someone whom having a master degree but spending her time mainly enjoying kdramas. - that it is very much possible that I am someone with good religious upbringing but in the same time is very much an art enthusiast - with musics, dances and drawings. - that I can be someone who goes back and forth motivating but rather helpless in the same time. Something like this. I wish to stay true to myself. I am not fully yet, I can say.

Sekian untuk posting pertama setelah Januari sebelumnya. Dengan harapan, adalah yang kedua dan ketiganya lepas-lepasni. Just the way I've been doing the previous years. Sampai beratus-beratus postingnya. It's always a great opportunity to be able to read back and reflects better, in shaa Allah.