Another Alter Ego

 Assalamualaikum wbt.

Been months since the last entry. Berangan saja untuk menulis dan berkongsi itu ini, but it rather stays in mind instead. 

So yeah, with an aspiration to keep writing this time around... Aku mulakan posting aku dengan tajuk seperti di atas. (And I decided to keep this rojak somehow. to be comfortable with the writing).

Another Alter Ego it says above. Aku sebenarnya berhasrat nak adakan satu blog lain yang mana tidak begitu bersifat peribadi. Where I can write and be frank about my writing while staying anonymous.You know, like coming in clean - boleh bercakap tentang banyak hal tanpa ambil kira faktor peribadi dan latar belakang yang boleh datang balik as self disadvantages. Though, kalau nak di-reset onto this blog, memang mustahil. Sebab tak kuasa rasanya nak archive those previous postings. I valued my writings here since almost everything is quite personal plus ada sentimental value. I wanted this space to stay personal and creating another with opposite manner. I already plan to (mainly) talk about dramas, movies and songs inside the new blog. nevertheless, buat masa ini rasanya perancangan tersebut gayanya akan ditangguhkan. Pat-lima kali ulang ke 'ruangan' baru, aku sendiri tetap menemukan titik buntu nak upon its setting, writing style, concept etc.

Asalnya untuk jadi lebih terbuka, frank in a way. But I ended up (lagi) tak tahu nak tulis apa. Walhal idea dan tajuk tu dah bersusun. But having (again) another alter ego just to asingkan between personal and non, I get stuck. Tak boleh berhabis jujur pula rasanya. Atau mungkin sebab dah biasa berada di sini. 

having to contemplate which blog to use for writing (though ended up here for the time being), mengenangkan aku kepada (one of the) literature piece yang pernah diguna zaman sekolah menengah dulu. Dr Hyde and Mr Jekyll kalau tak silap tajuknya. Yang mana doktor yang baik hati, mengasingkan naluri/sifat jahat dalam diri dia dengan mencipta watak yang baru pulak. So that, in such particular character he can freely be evil. He tries to set a clear line between both actually. 

Aku tidaklah sampai begitu. Tapi tendency mengasingkan antara satu perwatakan/minat/hobi dengan suatu perwatakan/minat/hobi yang lain tu macam ada rasanya. Memandangkan aku sendiri ada tiga akaun instagram untuk tiga fungsi berbeza; up to a point aku rasa ketiga-tiganya tidak nice untuk digabung sekali. Sama ada tidak nice kepada aku, atau kepada orang lain entahlah. The justifications for every time I'm doing one might change per se.

ok cop! so apa pekdah menulis posting kalini? What I'm trying to say?

Not sure myself tbh. Sekadar catatan untuk self-reflection mungkin. Elok ke tak elok nak ada alter ego (I called it that way, sejauh mana betul salah penggunaan istilah tu... again, not in my expertise) wallahu'alam. But I do sense, the reasons I'm doing this are not so favorable. I can at least sense that aku asingkan sebab bimbang judgemental orang. I wanted to play safe. 

Likely I am a poet with all those against-the-odds thoughts, but then my personal or background mungkin tak mencerminkan penulisan aku. 

or likely I am an author with all those cheesy cringey lines (katakanlah), but then again it contradicts with my background bla-bla-bla. Sort of like this. 

Having a particular space to make it professional is a BIG YES. but given my reasons (that I can sense this much of course)... I think it's unfortunate that I am actually quite scared of how others are seeing/ perceiving me. Maybe I just made the fuss up lol. 

Having to write this myself - for myself, I hope that I can be true(er) in the future without having to worry so much that I keep on thinking on creating an another alter ego that suits some of my  particular interest at particular times.

I wish that I am brave enough to embrace myself. - that I can be someone whom having a master degree but spending her time mainly enjoying kdramas. - that it is very much possible that I am someone with good religious upbringing but in the same time is very much an art enthusiast - with musics, dances and drawings. - that I can be someone who goes back and forth motivating but rather helpless in the same time. Something like this. I wish to stay true to myself. I am not fully yet, I can say.

Sekian untuk posting pertama setelah Januari sebelumnya. Dengan harapan, adalah yang kedua dan ketiganya lepas-lepasni. Just the way I've been doing the previous years. Sampai beratus-beratus postingnya. It's always a great opportunity to be able to read back and reflects better, in shaa Allah.