Upset-ness

Last entry was on July 24th.
and harini adalah 22 Ogos. It's almost a month since my last post.

Sure lots of things happened within almost a month, right?

Sangat malas.
I am a lazy-ass bila bab nak menaip di blog.
As long as I can keep it, it's bearable, not too much..
I will hold it inside me. Setakat cebisan-cebisan cerita dlm bentuk tweet, caption instagram dan beberapa status facebook tu adalah jugak.

I am not happy.
bukan tak happy untuk this long one month. nope.
but I am currently upset. overloaded frustration. and bcs unstable mix emotions...
Thus, I begin typing an entry again.

Hati aku cuma separuh di rumah.
rasa macam cepatlah habis cuti, biar aku ke Kedah je.
But then, thinking about next semester and being in uum, I feel half-hearted jugak.
To the extent, tak bersemangat nak menyambung kehidupan di bumi Sintok.

Nak tinggal lama-lama di rumah pun tidak,
nak segera balik ke uum juga tidak.
I bet I am very confuse with my own self.

Penat dah duduk di rumah.
My bad. Kewujudan aku di rumah ain't change anything dan tak dihargai. Ini sangkaan picisan aku.
Sangkaan yang sangat tak matang, for sure but in the same time sangat mengecewakan. I am tired of myself nak fight against own assumption.

Ragam adik-adik yang bermacam-macam. Di luar expectation aku. Maybe bcs I expect more but I don't really get what I wanted in return. Sesungguhnya, mencabar kesabaran. It's not like this for the first couple weeks balik cuti. I bet that I still can manage my anger and frustration back then plus showing my mature side.
Tapi bila dah sampai sebulan lebih macamni, dia punya sedih tu menyebabkan aku menghitung hari nak balik ke universiti. Dia punya sedih tu buat aku tertunjuk-tunjuk emosi aku. And semakin di hujung-hujung waktu cutini, bila keadaan selalunya agak menekankan with works overloaded and responsibilities every time at everywhere buat aku tak dapat nak control behaving immature yang at the end, among the whole siblings in the house, the blame goes to me from both abah and umi. so, yeah.. double the frustration. Ini bukan apa yang berlaku duapuluh empat jam. but relatively, this is what I'm facing as days passing by.

I am expecting to experience great semester break. Like going out for vacation, road trip ke... yes, those kind of imagination. Tambahan pulak sebab my raya tahun ni, previously didn't really feel like one. to me. I didn't get chances ke mana-mana sangat raya haritu. But no, that's not it. Everyone here is working and attending school everday so, that kind of wish memang tak terlaksana. okey then, How about me going out? well sebab aku je yang tengah cuti, kan, How about hanging around with some closest friend yang jugak sama-sama tengah cuti semester macam aku? Still, it's a no. That is expected. ya know, my dad and mom is a very different kind of parents. they won't allow for such request. It has been that way for 21 years. Dia punya pahit manis kelat payau, nak taknak, I am adapted to this term and condition already. not well mentally prepared, but I am trying hard actually. Lebih kena usaha gigih bila kita tengok rakan-rakan seangkatan yang lain post out their pictures being here and there. Ada yang sampai ke luar negeri bagai. Well, I don't mean to compare or such. I know my limit for how far this family can afford. It just to describe how this, not even having a weekend hang-out, even with my family, ia mencabar.

Acknowledge-lah my effort, even to against this term isn't an option pun. hm.

Yet. I am still survived. That's the moment when I called my semester break as the one that is making me 'mereput'. for some times, I did brag about being 'mereput' everywhere. I try to suit myself, getting busy staying at home doing chores in the morning and preparing the house before everyone is home in the evening. Then I begin working on the line. Working on line, selling and purchasing stuff plus handling the customers are tough. Frankly speaking, even so without walking here and there doing physical works, it is tiresome. And bcs I am doing both works like handling the house and dealing with my newbie-on-the-line-business, double the tiredness but can't complain much. How can I even complain? takkan nak mengadu bercerita, berkeluh kesah padehal umi abah jugak berpenat lelah sebaik saja sampai ke rumah lepas seharian bekerja. I might ruin the atmosphere. Dari nak tumpang mengadu, later it'll sound like I am complaining on what I chose to do. ppl tend to misunderstood, kan. So bcs I expect my parents not prefer such complaints, maka terpaksalah kita simpan sahaja cerita-cerita kita dalam hati jiwa raga.

Nak bercerita pada adik-adik? yes, this is another problem. My baby sister is very busy with her mobile phone lately. As I recall, most of the time pun ak nampak dia dengan handphone shj. there're no open space to even having chat with her. Inikan pulak nak berkongsi masalah. Nak sembang kosong, sedikit nak bercerita tentang apa yang ak dah lalui dekat uni last semester pun tak sempat. Not like the old times for sure. Ya, relatively facing with this baby sister is the one that giving me hard time. making hard things, harder. Like I mentioned earlier, ragam adik-adikku terlalu jauh dari apa yang aku harapkan. Sama ada harapan aku tinggi sangat atau mcm mana, not sure.
Last sem, rasanya adalah sem yang terbanyak cerita dan pengalamannya. Baik pengalaman termanis macam Eon Star Summer Camp ataupun pengalaman terpahit which was Eonist Grand Dinner, when I was in uni, I thought that I want to share with my mom and sister about this thingy. Tak menyabar dah. Even so, I am not even posting any entries specially about them. I do spare them.  Tapi aku simpan cerita yang ada tu dengan harapan (read: angan-angan dlm kepala) nak dikongsi pengalaman ni bila balik bercuti. Well, you can say that it does not happen at all. *frustrate*

Dear readers,
(if there's anyone reading lah)

I begin typing earlier bcs I am upset.
As the entry gets longer, I realized that my upset-ness fade away though.
I can't guarantee that I am satisfied with this entry.
Perhaps it's not even half of what's bothering me.

Tapi cukuplah.
sebab bila aku dah meluah. it did make me feel better.
Much calmer, I guessed.


sebelas.
sebelas hari lagi yang tinggal sebelum perlu meninggalkan Kajang.
Aku kata pada umi, bila aku sedih aku akan mula mengira hari yang bebaki.

But you know what,
sebenarnya aku bukanlah nak cepat sgt balik uni pun.
aku macam remaja lain yang normal. yang kalau dah balik bercuti, kalau boleh taknak balik uni semula dan tinggalkan rumah serta keluarga. They want to continue enjoying their semester break.
aku pun mcm tu. cumanya, my semester break doesn't even feel like a break.
it is a never ending work period, I am struggling hard but there're no one would listen to this immature-side of me.

umi abah yang sibuk. dan abah lebih sibuk lagi sejak bertukar tempat kerja dan perlu ulang-alik dari rumah ke tempat kerja yang jauh. adik-adik yang setiap sorangnya semua nak menduduki big examination tahunni. dan umi abah sangat harap aku boleh duduk hadap diorang, teaching them in whatever aspects they need me to teach. adik-adik dengan ragam yang pelbagai. nak dibuat teman bersembang, jauh sekali. nak ditegur bila diorang buat salah diorang pun melenting, nak mengajar diorang pun sometimes did faced some difficulties. I knew all of this. Ini bukan sengaja. This is the real situation. this demands responsibilities.

Acknowledge-lah my effort.

Responsibilities is a very weird thing. bcs you're responsible for it, you can't even complaint nor talk brag about it. it's not matter, it something you must n need to do anyway.

hm

p.s. Upset-ness - The feelings, to describe sadness. lol. This term doesn't exist, kan? #sukahatiakuje