Monday, May 5, 2014

I Talk Crap when I Type Long.

Aku rasa lagu ni best. The lyrics and melody too.

So aku letak sini. 

please people.. don't be too judgemental when I'm not good as good as you.
I'm not sure of this feeling though. Am I threatened with this kind of fellows?
Like here and there will be people saying 'maigadd, this kind of vid obviously not beneficial' or 'she is so not represent herself as an islamic school student' and yada-yada.
Why I'm quite concerned and have this awful feelings towards people around? Bad me.. *sigh

Harini jiwa macam kacau sikit.
Tak ada lah kacau mana pun. Sekejap-sekejap je.

Things behind were not that easy as they could fade away in a blink of eyes.
I think so because I experienced so.

When I stated that I'm hurt a little deep inside my heart, 
It doesn't always and forever mean that I am dying hurt and badly bleeding. That kind of situation - no. Most of the time they are not.

But when I received responses from fellow schoolmates, 
even since long ago.... they are always react like I had stated the statement vice versa. when I was actually not.
I knew that type of reaction, it shows love from a friend to a friend and those caring stuffs. 
Frankly I am grateful. So grateful. Because this kind of reactions remind me to keep calm in handling or facing difficulties. Turn back to Allah my one and only. Be patient. 

This is cliche but most of my friends reacts that way when they think I'm talking and complaining and whining only about my tragic-fairy tale-not enough islamic- love story. I mean, my feeling towards another gender. sometimes it's not true that I only care about guy matters. 

There's time when I say, for example  this life is rough.. It will not always meant that I'm talking about a-bullshit-life-I'm imagining. It can be rough because perhaps on that moment I had fight with my dearest best friend or maybe because just earlier before someone was insulting me or else... anything bad.

Things are not not going to remain silent on the top of the hill for always and forever. 
When they fall, break into pieces and affected me..
I wish that it is not like I'm committing sin that I am to feel some pain or to make it vivid in public.
People with emotions, I mean.. I am not perfect. I don't even mean to gain some cheap publicity from people outside. Maybe yeahh, I admit published my current sound-not-stable emotion via status or in the form of an entry little seem similar as attract attention. But maybe its more in order to gain support from friends that I expect to trust; to share my pros and cons with. 

I had been going through some point that I am hurt to death or had some critically mental break down sort of, hard times caused by some of  'black-tragic-sad-woe moments. Who knows right.. I don't share everything okay. In fact, I knew that everyone I'm seeing, meeting or talking to, all of them are having and facing their own battles. 

I appreciate responses from friends to the moon and back. 

Why I'm babbling in this mere entry is that responses from dearests fellows sometimes tend to make I feel so low and guilt. I hate those feeling. My bad. I don't know if I am being skeptic or what.

I thought I gave chances or some spaces when my dearest fellows were facing difficulties. When they are expressing their sadness, stories and were asking for words to comfort them.
I just wish that I could get in return those spaces and chances whilst I am not okay.
it's not I gonna be not okay forever. But I do really hope it doesn't overload make I look like a bad ass just when I'm talking about what's hurt me. 

Am I that awful when I'm saying I was hurt thinking for a second or two about what's hurt me?
Am I that bad when I am hurt thinking about my mistakes that I wish not to repeat?
Am I deserve insulted when I am about to say to get rejected feels like 'maigaddd it's pain!'?

I am a beginner. I just got tested currently. Maybe you are far more better. Maybe what you had been through more harder or maybe you are much tougher that I am right now.
But please do not compare my mere chapter one with yours chapter twenty. 
Be with me. I know all of you are damn so kind and caring.
but when your words are making me feel so low, the pain I feel on that moment, it gets bitter. 

Isn't that every people in the world feeling the same thing? but maybe in different time, I guess. 
It is just the matter of time.

I am not perfect to keep showing what people want me to show.
It is just this time I am not okay. I hope that people are not seeing into my words like I am welcoming their critics. and of course, do not judge. I respect all of you - tougher, better, prettier, better as a muslimah yada-yada. I am walking to you if you think you are what I thin you are. Of course I want to get better.
Of course, indeed I don't want to be haunted by him that hurts me. I'm going to. Not rushing, I am learning to.

[notakaki] dapat feel nak menaip, kemain membebel. Point satu pon tarak, bnyk repetition je. Puii!
Actually nak cakap yang 'sebenarnya aku terasa. Tapi aku tak patut terasa sebab apa yang kawan-kawan buat or tegur aku time aku tengah down tu betul. Orang kata baguslah terasa,sebab orang yang tak terasa dlm hal bebaik ni hati mati. Kan dah, na'udzubillah'. Susah sangat nak sampaikan mesej pendek cemni pon. *gelenglajulaju


NARDtheNERD said...

hehehe panjang nyeee :)

Anonymous said...

assalamualaikum..tahniah n trima kasih..bnyak share ilmu dlm blog nie..truskan3..bnyak bgi mnfaat kt org lain..