Abah is happy for you

I don't want to feel bitter. But truth be told, abah's opinion just now is genuinely sincere of his concern and all spoken facts, in fact are as reflecting to his own experiences.  How can I not realize? I do realize it. For truth hurts even a little scratch. So yeah, the bitter part is a post-effect coming from the said truth.

Anyway, I'll do a little rewind here.

I came back home with overwhelming gladness to share update about the project I am currently (about to) involved with. It's related to muslimah fashion design stuffs ; things I hold dearly onto. Things I've been fussing upon for sometimes too. To be involved in the project, of course is a rare  opportunity that I am grateful to.

Perhaps I am expecting the same lively reaction from umi and abah. I wanted them to hype as much as mine, or likely just to cheer on me straightaway. Y'know something like that. But amidst that, abah is staying composed and even giving his 2 cents on how I should've handled it, the given opportunity.

I may not be handling it wrong. But obviously, after listening to abah's point of view. I bet, I had not handled  it best too.

I know my abah. Everytime I am happy upon my art work, be it of fashion designs or writing or reciting or etc. When I thought that I am just unlocking achievement, and hype over it. He does rarely take it as it is. He always go to the hard part, giving me even longer advises and truthful shades about the post-achievement instead.

I don't like it. We'll clash a little bit during this part of conversation. But then, he'll always insist that he's not discouraging me but are giving me all I need to know as prep to the next step for that very achievement.

I took the bait as soon as such line being said. Ok lol no. I mean, I feel it, obviously. I am tearing up inside. For his way-ahead thoughts and concerns.

Know your worth he says. I felt heavy to admit. That I don't envision myself that far, that I don't think of consequences that deeper.

Holding into dream is a yes. But you have to hold together with you, your pride for the said dream. People will come in colors. People will take you for granted or less bad people, perhaps are those who don't comprehend things the way you do, whom eventually underestimate you. Thus, it is natural for abah to remind me, to never go lower (in pride) when you encounter those bunches. Never feel any less for that 'more' side of yourself.

Abah is happy for me too. But is taking care of me like none ever. You called it play safe. Or even I might called it pessimism everytime we clashed. But it's just lines of advises. In a very natural tone instead.

Living the Dream - Dreaming the Life

Hey there.
(if there's anybody, obviously)

Np. Golden [Full Album] - 1. Hate Everything

Wifi service ain't working out well at phone tonight, which that's kinda upsetting since I am free tonight, I initially thought of binge watching some movies or so.
But yeah, then I ended up drawing/designing pieces (or better called, series) of tudung for the past hours. Not even realizing that it has passed midnight by the time I decided to finally stop.

Truth be told. I am always feeling a lil' bit worrisome every time I am designing fashion (though I thought to use the term "fear" or "anxious", but I rather it doesn't sound too negative). I worried every time, that after every said design being drawn, that it'll ended up being kept safe and sound just with me, within the book shelf or some drawer here and there - not going anywhere around; sadly.

Np. Golden [Full Album] - 4. Get up 
*my, my the lyrics.. syncing quite well with what I am typing right now. sort of.

'yknow what, designing fashion (even when it is as if, apparently just drawing/illustrating it out) is draining my energy out whenever I do so. Likely, I really do it not just roughly and sketchy. I bet it is tiring because there are forces and it took efforts in every drawing to be drawn, it really does involved some hard and creative thinking every time. It is never be done simply drawn, and I am no genius to "simply" fashion designing. So having to design and keeping it to self, do sadden me somehow.

Of self-improving and all - and let alone been doing this since forever... I can't help but wonder, if I am living the dream yet or I am dreaming the life still? Is it worth waiting for some doors to open up, or some paths to lighten up for me to walk onto the so called field of fashion design? Or should I stop dreaming, waking up and be realistic? At least I will not be wasting papers and inks. Perhaps.

I was thinking some lines just now. That,
'I acknowledge fashion,
but it has not yet to acknowledge me'

This sounded one sided enough. heh.

I love my drawings and designs. But not making it to use (and worse make fuss about, lol) because I am still lacking in so many ways... my priceless drawings are probably becoming less in price as time flies. And it just, somehow a little bit upsetting and a little bit disappointing to not be able to share how pretty I had them pictured in my head.

btw, it's getting late right now. I supposed that I have to go to bed already.

nahh... I don't think I'll be giving up this one dream yet. maybe just like the not-yet-likely-nowhere- to be-seen jodoh, this one is like that too. I'll just keep being faithful (upon) until it is made fateful then. and sorry if this sounded discouraging or like a wishy-washy whining. But nope, I just feel like writing my thought and let it out here,while I am at the right mood to do so. hahah.

Np Yiruma - May Be

May the dream be the living I live some day. aamin.
Though I am the Muamalat Administration degree student taking Mater in Islamic Economic, of a former pure Science student lol. But I bet, I had been keeping this at heart too; of this fashion art thingy. Alongside with the others (-:

p.s. Good to be back and typing a complete entry.