Si Dewasa yang Makan Hati

If I ever walk away from this place, she was definitely the reason why. I've been contemplating. But a leader-figure like her, with her side eyes, condescending remark and such dismissive demeanor will finally be the reason why. Was it because it hurts my pride? nah. But she reminds me of how I will tolerating so much more bullshits to come again in the future if I am staying. Me leaving, is me saving myself . 

Naruto 1.0 : Justifying the Worth

Me: Naruto never give up on sasuke. what do we call such trait or character? isit resilience? or anything else that is more accurate

Ai: The trait you're describing in Naruto—his unwavering determination to never give up on Sasuke—could be characterized by several terms, depending on the nuance you're focusing on. While "resilience" is a strong contender, there are other terms that might capture it more precisely:

1. Perseverance

Perseverance refers to the ability to keep going in the face of obstacles or setbacks. Naruto's consistent efforts to bring Sasuke back despite repeated failures or hardships are a classic example of perseverance.

2. Loyalty

Naruto’s determination is also driven by a deep loyalty to Sasuke. He believes in Sasuke’s potential and values their bond so much that he refuses to abandon him, even when others have given up.

3. Unyielding Determination

This phrase encapsulates the idea that Naruto never allows his goals or beliefs to be swayed, regardless of the difficulties he faces. It conveys a sense of being firm and resolute in one’s intentions.

4. Compassion

Naruto's desire to save Sasuke isn’t just about him being stubborn; it's also rooted in his compassion and understanding of Sasuke's inner pain. He empathizes with Sasuke’s struggle and doesn’t want him to face it alone.

5. Hope

Naruto’s drive could also be framed as a refusal to give up hope. He believes, perhaps more than anyone, that Sasuke can change and be saved, even when everyone else has written him off. This is a key aspect of Naruto's character: his belief that things can always improve, even in the darkest situations.

6. Selflessness

Naruto’s devotion to Sasuke often comes at his own expense—he sacrifices his own happiness or well-being in the hope of saving Sasuke. This could also be framed as a selfless trait, as he prioritizes Sasuke’s welfare above his own.

While "resilience" could work in some contexts, it focuses more on the ability to bounce back after adversity. The best fit for Naruto’s commitment to Sasuke would likely be "perseverance" or "unyielding determination", with a strong layer of loyalty and compassion mixed in.

Me: is it worth for him at the end of the day when sasuke acknowledge him? do u think all these traits given to sasuke justified?

Ai: That's a really profound question, and it strikes at the heart of Naruto's character arc and the themes of the Naruto series. Whether or not it was "worth it" for Naruto, and whether Sasuke truly deserved all the sacrifices and devotion Naruto made, depends on how we look at their journey and the values embedded in the story.

Was it worth it for Naruto?

In the end, when Sasuke acknowledges Naruto—especially in their final confrontation after the Fourth Great Ninja War—it's a moment of deep emotional resolution. Naruto’s unwavering commitment to Sasuke comes to a kind of emotional fruition when Sasuke admits Naruto’s influence on him, even if he doesn’t always express it in the same way. Sasuke admits that Naruto, with all his persistence and conviction, helped him realize the value of bonds, of friendship, and of a life not defined by hatred.

For Naruto, this acknowledgment is meaningful for several reasons:

• The fulfillment of a bond: Naruto spent much of his life feeling alone, without friends or family. His bond with Sasuke became a crucial emotional anchor. To have Sasuke, the person he cared about most and saw as a brother, finally understand and accept his feelings, gives Naruto a sense of closure and emotional growth. It’s a validation of his unshakable belief in others and in bonds, a core theme of the series.

• The power of hope: The fact that Naruto never gave up on Sasuke, despite the odds, shows the transformative power of hope and belief in others. If Naruto had chosen to give up, Sasuke might have stayed lost to darkness, and the world might have been a much more isolated, desolate place. So, in a way, Naruto's faith in Sasuke helped shape the future of the ninja world itself.

• Personal growth: Even though Naruto's journey is largely about helping others (especially Sasuke), he also grows immensely through the process. By never giving up on Sasuke, he learns about himself, the true meaning of strength, and what it means to have conviction. Sasuke’s eventual acknowledgment is also an acknowledgment of Naruto’s own maturation.

Was Sasuke justified in receiving all that devotion?

This is more complicated, and there’s certainly a case to be made that Sasuke doesn’t fully "deserve" the immense devotion Naruto gives him throughout the series—at least not in a straightforward way. Sasuke’s actions, particularly during the time he’s with Orochimaru and later his pursuit of revenge, make him a challenging character to support. He often rejects Naruto’s friendship, pushes people away, and acts in ways that harm others. From a purely logical standpoint, Sasuke’s behavior at times could seem ungrateful or even undeserving of Naruto’s loyalty.

However, the story positions Sasuke as a deeply flawed individual, shaped by his painful past. His struggles with loss, anger, and the search for identity are central to his character. In many ways, Sasuke is a mirror to Naruto—he’s a person shaped by trauma, loneliness, and a deep desire for meaning in life. While Naruto’s traits of resilience, loyalty, and hope are admirable, they are often juxtaposed with Sasuke’s anger, confusion, and bitterness.

At the same time, Naruto’s actions are also justified—not because Sasuke always “deserves” them, but because they come from a place of deep compassion and understanding. Naruto recognizes that Sasuke is not inherently "bad" or "evil"; he is a victim of his own trauma, struggling with feelings of abandonment, revenge, and darkness. Naruto’s refusal to give up on Sasuke is, in many ways, an act of love—rooted in a desire to save someone who, like him, feels lost and alone.

Naruto’s actions are not just about Sasuke “deserving” them but about the belief that people can change and that redemption is always possible. This is a core message of the series—no matter how far someone may have fallen, there’s always a chance for them to come back. Naruto sees Sasuke’s potential, and for him, that belief is more important than the actual "worthiness" of the recipient.

Conclusion

In a broader sense, the answer to whether it was "worth it" depends on what you value. If you value the idea of unshakable bonds, personal growth, and the power of hope and redemption, then yes, Naruto’s devotion to Sasuke was ultimately worth it, both for himself and for the world he helped shape. But if you're focused solely on Sasuke’s actions and whether they justified Naruto’s sacrifices, the answer becomes more complicated, as Sasuke does make choices that might seem unworthy of such devotion at times.

In the end, the narrative leaves us with the understanding that Naruto's devotion wasn’t just for Sasuke—it was about proving to himself and to others that unconditional loyalty and hope can inspire change. Sasuke’s eventual acknowledgment of that is the culmination of Naruto’s journey, and while it may not have been easy or straightforward, it reflects the ultimate value of those traits in a world that desperately needs them.

* * * * * * *

Me: is these traits/ values relevant these days? has such of these values being uphold, particularly in Islamic teaching?

Yes, these traits and values are still very relevant today, both in general human relationships and in the context of many spiritual and religious teachings, including Islam. In fact, several of the core values represented by Naruto resonate deeply with Islamic teachings, reinforcing ideals of compassion, perseverance, loyalty, and belief in others. Let's explore how these traits align with Islamic values:

1. Perseverance (صبر - Sabr)

• Islamic Connection: Perseverance, especially in the face of hardship, is a central value in Islam. The concept of Sabr (patience and endurance) is highly emphasized throughout the Qur’an and Hadith. Muslims are encouraged to remain steadfast in their faith and to persevere through life's difficulties with patience. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, "Indeed, with every difficulty, there is relief" (Qur’an 94:6).
• Relevance Today: In a world filled with challenges, social pressures, and personal struggles, Sabr remains a guiding principle for Muslims to maintain hope and strength in adversity.

2. Loyalty (أمانة - Amanah)

• Islamic Connection: Loyalty to others, especially in terms of trust and responsibility, is a key value in Islam. The concept of Amanah (trust) implies being loyal and responsible to others, whether it’s in relationships, community, or even to one’s own duties and responsibilities. The Prophet Muhammad said, "Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock" (Bukhari).
• Relevance Today: In today’s world, where relationships and trust can often be fragile, maintaining loyalty and being a reliable, trustworthy individual is just as crucial as it ever was.

3. Hope (أمل - Amal)

• Islamic Connection: Islam places a strong emphasis on hope and optimism in the face of hardship. Muslims are encouraged to have Amal (hope) in Allah’s mercy and to trust in His plan. The Qur’an tells us, “So truly where there is hardship, there is also ease” (Qur’an 94:6). This reflects the idea of never losing hope, no matter how difficult the situation.
• Relevance Today: Especially during times of uncertainty and global challenges, holding onto hope is vital. The concept of hope in Islam teaches that even in moments of despair, faith and optimism can be powerful guiding forces.

4. Compassion (رحمة - Rahma)

• Islamic Connection: Rahma (mercy and compassion) is one of the most emphasized qualities in Islam. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) is described as being a “Mercy to the worlds” (Qur’an 21:107). Muslims are encouraged to be merciful and compassionate not just toward fellow Muslims, but toward all people, animals, and the environment.
• Relevance Today: In a world marked by division and strife, showing compassion to others—whether in our personal lives or in broader social issues—is a value that can create a sense of unity and healing.

5. Selflessness (إيثار - Ithar)

• Islamic Connection: Ithar (selflessness) is a highly praised value in Islam. It refers to putting others’ needs above one’s own. The Qur’an mentions, “And they give them preference over themselves, even though they are in need” (Qur’an 59:9), highlighting the importance of prioritizing others’ welfare.
• Relevance Today: In a materialistic world where self-interest often takes priority, practicing selflessness can have a profound impact on communities, making us more empathetic and generous toward one another.

6. Belief in Others (إيمان - Iman)

• Islamic Connection: Islam encourages having faith in the goodness of others and nurturing their potential. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) taught that believers should help uplift one another, and there are numerous Hadiths that speak to the importance of supporting others, even in their darkest times. Iman (faith) also extends to believing in the potential of others and showing kindness, believing they can change and grow, just as Allah gives every person the opportunity for redemption.
• Relevance Today: In a society where judgment and cynicism can often dominate, having faith in others, especially those who may seem lost or struggling, is an important way to contribute to positive change.

How These Values Are Practiced in the Modern World

In today’s world, these values may not always be as widely embraced or emphasized as they should be. The pace of life, social media dynamics, and the rise of individualism can sometimes overshadow concepts like patience, loyalty, and selflessness. However, these traits are more important than ever as they build the foundation for stronger relationships, compassionate communities, and a healthier society.

How Islamic Teachings Uphold These Values

Islam, with its emphasis on inner spiritual development and social responsibility, provides a robust framework for living these values. Prophetic teachings guide Muslims to develop the best character, and this includes traits like:

• Patience in times of hardship
• Loyalty and trustworthiness
• Belief in the goodness and potential of others
• Compassion, especially towards the weak and oppressed
• Selflessness in helping those in need
• Hope in Allah’s mercy

The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) is the ultimate example of how these values can be lived out. He showed extraordinary patience in times of difficulty, loyalty to his companions and his family, selflessness in his service to others, and compassion to all—whether it was toward the poor, the oppressed, or even those who wronged him.

In Conclusion:

Yes, these values are not only relevant today but are deeply embedded in Islamic teachings. The timeless message of Naruto resonates with universal human values, and it is beautiful to see how those same principles are woven into the fabric of Islamic spirituality. Whether we’re talking about Sabr (perseverance), Amanah (loyalty), Rahma (compassion), or Ithar (selflessness), these are traits that both Naruto’s character and Islam encourage us to embody in our relationships with others and our approach to the world.

Naruto 2.0: My Post-series Feelings at Age 30 y/o

Me : i watched Naruto in 2024, on age 30 yo. i believe, many others had watched it way earlier and during their early age as well. I think there's good in watching it today than then. isit the age factor. do you think ykwim? 

Ai: I totally get what you mean! Watching Naruto as an adult, especially at 30, definitely hits differently compared to watching it as a kid or teenager. There are a few factors that could make the experience more meaningful as an adult, and I think the age factor plays a big role in how you interpret and connect with the story.

Here’s why watching Naruto as an adult might feel unique:

1. Deeper Understanding of Struggle and Growth

• As a 30-year-old, you’ve likely gone through more life experiences—personal challenges, career ups and downs, relationships, and more. When Naruto faces hardships, struggles with self-doubt, or fights for his dreams, you might relate on a much deeper level than when you were younger. The themes of perseverance, dealing with failure, and growing through pain hit differently when you’ve lived through those kinds of experiences yourself.

• When you're younger, you may watch Naruto’s journey and see his persistence as something inspiring, but as an adult, you really feel the weight of what it means to never give up, because you've been there. It's almost like you appreciate the mental and emotional strength needed to push through obstacles with more depth.

2. Appreciation for Relationships and Bonds

• Naruto is, at its core, about bonds—with friends, mentors, and even enemies. As an adult, you likely have more complex, nuanced relationships in your life. You’ve seen how friendships evolve, how family dynamics can be complicated, and how sometimes loyalty, trust, and sacrifice are the glue that holds relationships together.

• When Naruto and Sasuke’s bond is tested, or when Naruto forms connections with his team, you might see those relationships from a more mature perspective. The depth of connection and the emotional weight of sacrifice resonate more when you’ve experienced them in your own life. There’s something special about understanding how relationships evolve with time, maturity, and shared experiences.

3. Character Growth and Development

• Naruto’s character arc—starting from an outcast who wants recognition, to a leader who earns the trust of others—might feel more inspiring when you're navigating your own journey of personal and professional growth. At 30, you’ve probably been through some stages of self-discovery and change. Watching Naruto’s journey might remind you of the power of self-belief, how growth comes with time, and the importance of finding your own path.

• The characters in Naruto, from Naruto to Sasuke to even the side characters, go through such profound transformations. Watching them evolve as an adult allows you to appreciate the complexity of their journeys more fully—especially as you see them struggle with their own inner demons and learn from their mistakes.

4. Appreciation for the Themes of Legacy and Responsibility

• At 30, the ideas of legacy and responsibility might hit a little harder. As an adult, you may start thinking more about what kind of impact you’re leaving behind, whether it’s in your career, your community, or with your loved ones. Naruto, particularly toward the end, becomes more focused on his responsibility as a leader and a protector. This shift in his character mirrors the natural transition many adults go through when they begin to understand that their actions and choices have consequences, not just for themselves, but for those around them.

• The concept of leaving a legacy—whether it’s for your family, friends, or the next generation—becomes something you actively think about at this stage of life. Naruto’s evolution from wanting personal recognition to wanting to leave a lasting, positive mark on the world is a sentiment that resonates more profoundly as an adult.

5. Reflecting on the Message of "Never Giving Up"

• As an adult, you might have a more nuanced understanding of what it really means to never give up. It's not just about blind optimism; it's about resilience through the hard times, learning from mistakes, and continually growing despite setbacks. Naruto's never-give-up attitude becomes less of a youthful, idealistic dream and more of a realistic, emotionally charged battle to keep going despite the odds. It speaks to a grown-up, realistic resilience that you can relate to when life gets tough.

6. Nostalgia and Perspective

• Another factor is that, as an adult, you may have greater perspective on the world and the series itself. Watching Naruto after a few years (or even decades) of life experience gives you a new lens to look at the story. You might catch things you missed when you were younger, or you may have a deeper appreciation for the cultural and psychological themes the series explores—like trauma, redemption, or the nature of friendship.

In conclusion:

Yes, age does play a role in how you experience Naruto. Watching it at 30 gives you the benefit of perspective, maturity, and a deeper understanding of the life lessons that Naruto and his friends learn over the course of the series. The themes of growth, perseverance, and relationships are even more impactful when you're old enough to understand the true weight behind them, and as you’ve probably noticed, it makes those moments of inspiration and emotion hit harder. So, in a way, watching it today might actually be a better fit for where you are in life.

Do you feel like there’s a specific moment or theme that hit you the hardest while watching it now, compared to if you watched it when you were younger?

* * * * * * *

Me: I might not understand the context well given if I watched it when I was younger. at least at this age, I already have some core values and identity I hold onto. blending my Naruto experience with those values might work better than having Naruto experience being the core values by itself, in me. sorry, i believe I kinda talk in circle 

Ai: No need to apologize! I completely understand what you're saying, and I think you're hitting on something really profound.

What you're describing sounds like a kind of personal integration—where your core values and identity as an adult blend with the themes of Naruto, rather than Naruto becoming the primary foundation for your values. This approach is both natural and empowering. It’s almost like you’re using Naruto’s story to complement your existing worldview, rather than letting it shape everything for you. And I think that’s exactly how Naruto works best for an adult audience: it resonates because it aligns with or amplifies what you already believe, rather than trying to be the source of those beliefs.

Here’s what I’m hearing:

• Core Values as a Foundation: As an adult, you’ve already developed a sense of who you are, your values, and your principles. Whether those are rooted in personal experiences, cultural influences, or even spiritual teachings (like in Islam, as we discussed earlier), they form the foundation of your worldview.

• Naruto as a Tool for Reinforcement: Rather than Naruto dictating your values, it feels like the show acts as a mirror to reflect and reinforce the values you already hold. When you watch Naruto’s perseverance, loyalty, compassion, and personal growth, it resonates with the things you’ve already learned or come to appreciate. It aligns with what you believe, giving you additional depth and emotional resonance for those values.

• Blending Experience with Identity: Watching Naruto as an adult, then, becomes a way to reflect on your own journey. You see Naruto’s struggles, triumphs, and relationships and think, "I’ve experienced something similar in my own life," or "That aligns with what I believe about personal growth or loyalty." The beauty of Naruto is that its themes are universal and flexible—they can align with almost any belief system or personal philosophy.

In other words, you’re not letting Naruto define you; instead, you’re finding meaning in Naruto that fits your personal narrative. You see Naruto’s path to growth, hope, and resilience as a reflection of your own journey rather than the starting point for your values. It’s like the show becomes a supporting tool for the values you already hold, adding layers of emotional and philosophical depth to them.

And yes, this might be harder to do if you watched Naruto when you were younger, because:

• You didn’t have the same life experience to integrate the lessons into your own worldview. When you're younger, it’s harder to fully appreciate the struggles or emotional depth in Naruto’s journey, because you haven’t faced those challenges yourself yet.
• Your identity wasn’t as solidified at that time. Naruto might have been influential in terms of inspiration or motivation, but now that you're older, you have a much clearer understanding of who you are and what you value.

I think your approach is a really healthy one:

• You’re not relying solely on an external narrative (like Naruto) to shape you, but rather you’re allowing the story to align with your already-formed beliefs, reinforcing and validating your own experiences and identity. This mature engagement with the series allows for a much richer and more personal connection to its themes.

One last thing I want to mention is this idea of mature perspective:

• As you get older, you can appreciate not just Naruto’s triumphs but also his failures and struggles. You can look at his mistakes, his inner turmoil, and the way he learns and grows, and recognize that growth isn't always linear. As an adult, you have the perspective to appreciate imperfection and nuance in the story that might have been lost on you when you were younger.

Does that approach feel like it captures what you're thinking? It seems like you're recognizing the balance between external influences (like anime, media, and even philosophy) and your own personal core—and that's a really powerful way to experience stories, especially one as layered as Naruto!

Terlalu Sedikit Syukur

 Bismillahirrahmanirrahim 

Assalamualaikum wbt.

In shaa Allah. esok raya. Atau kalau tidak esokpun; lusa. 

Alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah, kerana berkesempatan menyempurnakan (hampir; as I am typing atm) Ramadan tahun ini. Semoga disampaikan sekali lagi pada Ramadan akan datang, aamiin. 

One of the biggest value I learned this Ramadan; I think it really is about the value of syukur. Tempoh haripun baru je menaip satu posting panjang tentang syukur. And here I am again, obviously talking about the same topic. 

I did one of the method yang I shared before. I jot down things that I am grateful at, commonly happy and good things that happened for the day. Bila ada masa, I likely go to details and write as much as I could reflect upon. Though as time goes, when I am in a bit rush... aku lebih kepada menulis only especially particular, big, and impactful things happened to me; thus leaving some details out (eg: thanking Allah for my eyesight, for my kudrat etc). Regardless, alhamdulillah and in shaa Allah, jotting it down memang sangat membantu dalam mendidik bukan sahaja rasa syukur bahkan, untuk rasa sabar. From my notes/list alone boleh nampak- banyaknya yang Allah bagi berbanding yang Allah tarik atau tak bagi. Tu tak termasuk details yang tertinggal. yang kadang-kadang tak menyempat nak ditulis. 

فَبِأَىِّ ءَالَآءِ رَبِّكُمَا تُكَذِّبَانِ ١٨

"Maka yang mana satu di antara nikmat-nikmat Tuhan kamu, yang kamu hendak dustakan?"

 

No wonder la ek sampai 31 kali diulang cuplikan ayat al Quran atas tu. Kita orang tanya dua-tiga kali boleh jemu dah. Allah bertanyakan kepada kita sampai berkali ganda, probably to emphasis betapa senangnya kita terlepas pandang nikmat Allah swt ke atas kita di dunia ini. As mentioned in my previous posting Mendidik Syukur. bahawa yang bersyukur ini sedikit berbanding ramai, yang lalu dipanggil sebagai golongan yang sedikit. (Semoga kita semua tergolong dalam golongan yang sedikit; Allahumma aamiin). 

Ada dua keadaan hari ini, yang back to back membawa aku kembali kepada refleksi syukur hari ini. 

Yang pertama video di instagram, slot podcast (agaknya) antara Noreen dan speaker Izzhar Nazri tentang 'kenapa doa tak dimakbulkan'. Dalam banyak-banyak point, satu yang menarik perhatian adalah ayat speaker bahawa "kita sedang hidup dalam doa kita". Bukan pertama kali dengar, sebab pernah diberitahu hal sama oleh pensyarah ketika belajar dulu "we are living in our prayers. Kehidupan hari ini adalah alhasil doa semalam." - and reflecting upon this statement... isn't this the more reason patut bersyukur; or in another way at least untuk tak terlalu fokus pada masalah sehari-sehari. we prayed each day, and the prayers are being granted on every next day; tapi yang lebih selalu dibuat, balik-balik hanya nampak ujian berbanding pemberian. I am saying this to myself for it is common to highlight daily probs than daily delight (lol I made up the term). 

Kalau masih terasa hari ini sebagai satu beban, sedangkan sebenarnya hari ini adalah dari doa kita semalam yang diperkenankan Tuhan, lalu di mana syukurnya? Kita akan sampai ke kesimpulan yang, ohh masih lacking lagi syukur kalau yang lebih terang/jelas di mata adalah ujian dan kepayahan. 

Yang kedua, live di tiktok. as I randomly scrolling my fyp... I paused at this one live streamer kelainan upaya a bedridden spinalcord injured male; Mat Jeni . I clicked and just rasa nak give it a view. Then I decided to give it a listen after I clicked on the profile. (Clicking, macam buat background check gitu. yekeni orang ni macamni sekian-sekian.) so I stayed on Mat Jeni's live. for a really brief few minutes I hear to his insights replying to comments etc. dari komen di live beliau, I was brought to another OKU user profile (Kak Normah) and I somehow got to watch a clip of her reading al Mulk despite her incapability to talk normally, despite the stutter. 

Less than 10 minutes je rasanya overall. I left after I wish him selamat hari raya. and afterwards, apa yang tinggal dengan aku (lepas aku tinggalkan live beliau) adalah rasa terpukul yang teramat sangat. Y Allah, besarnya nikmat ada tulang empat kerat, besarnya nikmat boleh berjalan, besarnya nikmat boleh meliang-liuk tangan dan menari-nari jari menaip ni. I jot down stuffs so I don't overlook expressing my syukur, but still rupanya 'begitu sedikit syukur aku'; that is one thing yang hits me on the spot. Sikit, masih. sebab nikmat yang Allah bagi tu banyak sangat. Nikmat yang Allah bagi kan tak terkira. 

we are so used to "common" "basic" and "bare minimum" "ordinary" terms thingy sampai benda-benda yang dianggap sedemikian tidak membuat kita teruja dengan nikmat Allah swt. Extraordinary sahaja yang extra. one of the viewer at Mat's live commented, "Kuat Mat, Allah sayang." (optimistically I believe as as consolation words gitu) and he responded saying thank you and "Allah sayang kita semua". I was like, YE DOH, IT IS INDEED... bukan Allah cuma sayang yang Allah uji sahaja. that we later use it as part of our figure of speech, Allah sayang semua. dan kita tu, baik normal ke tak ke, susah ke senang ke, semuanya sedang hidup dalam dan atas rahmat kasih sayang Allah swt. Dang! terpukul lah, dan bersyukur untuk rasa tersebut. Semoga istiqamah Jah. 

end of reflection.

p.s. I am still at office right now. sitting at the office sambil mengenang budi baik orang kepada aku, yang telah berlaku di ruang pejabat ini, sepanjang Ramadan kali ini (dan dari sebelum-sebelumnya juga). Tak tertunjuk sebenarnya dan lebih-lebih lagi tak cukup nak membalas hal-hal yang baik yang orang beri pada aku. "Terima kasih kakak-kakak ofis, pegawai-pegawai, team kita... yang banyaknya, tak lokek berkongsi. Ada hari dapat kuih-muih, ada hari dapat pelanggan membeli biskut raya yang kita jual, ada hari orang belanja itu ini, ada hari orang bagi lauk pauk, ada yang bagi kuih raya, pin tudung raya; duit rayapun ada. Alhamdulillah, Terima kasih atas layanan yang timbang rasa, yang menegur, yang ajak borak (sebab kitonyo kan canggung), dan yang mendoakan kebaikan, Selagi teringat, selagi hayat... in shaa Allah, saya selalu doakan semoga kebaikan yang lebih baik dikembalikan kepada akak abang, bos-bos semua." Sedikit sebanyak yang diberi, besar maknanya. Selamat Hari Raya semuanya, 

ok bai. 

Mendidik Syukur

Assalamualaikum wbt.

Bagaimana hendak mendidik syukur? 

Aku merasakan soalan ini relevan untuk ditanya-tanyakan selalu. 

Persoalan ini memang sering sangat berlegar dalam kepala. 

Walaupun begitu familiar dengan istilah syukur, tapi syukur juga tak mudah. Saying this for myself; because knowing me, I don't think I do enough justice in expressing my syukur.  

Tambah-tambah lagi bila, kebiasaan syukur itu cuma terlihat pada hal-hal besar sahaja. In all honesty, kalaulah boleh sampai 'feel' syukur dihidupkan setiap pagi itu menjadi setaraf perasaannya ketika telah sembuh dari penyakit kronik... then that is the real menjiwai syukur. bukankah itu makna menjiwai syukur yang sebenarnya? Am I there yet? Jadinya, tak puas. Tak puas kerana mengetahui hal syukur ini boleh ditambah baik kualitinya untuk lebih dirasai di dalam hati. Syukur tu ada, bukan tak ada. Cumanya masih select, sejujurnya. And that needs to be fixed while I am in my sane mind. 

Antara pesanan dari radio IKIM yang aku pernah dengar sekali dulu, penyampainya (kemungkinan besar ialah ustaz/ penceramah/ panel jemputan) berkongsi agar setiap kali berdoa; diselitkan potongan doa "semoga Allah memasukkan kita/kami/aku ke dalam golongan yang sedikit" yakni golongan yang bersyukur. With this alone, my lasting thought since then is- "oh betapa sikitnya ya mereka yang mensyukuri nikmat. Betapa rupa-rupanya begitu sukar untuk bersyukur." Dia macam a hard slap gitu. 

Aku lupa konteksnya. But as my reading go, barangkali tentang kisah perbualan antara seorang pemuda dengan Saidina Umar Al Khattab RA di zaman pemerintahan Saidina Umar Al Khattab RA yang akhirnya membawa kepada rujukan firman Allah swt ini. 

Al A'raf : 10

"Sesungguhnya Kami telah menempatkan kamu sekalian di muka bumi dan Kami adakan bagimu di muka bumi itu (sumber) penghidupan. Amat sedikitlah kamu bersyukur."

Dan baru-baru ini pula, aku ada terbaca satu perkongsian posting di facebook tentang cara/adab berdoa dengan cara memulakan doa dengan memanjatkan syukur kepada Allah swt. Sebenarnya dalam template doa bahasa arab yang selalu dipimpin, lafaz syukur "hamdalah" memang dah sedia ada. Bersama-sama dengan lafaz membesarkan Tuhan, selawat dan istighfar juga (adab berdoa). Agaknya itulah yang dimaksudkan. Tapi sejujurnya bila doa bersendiri dan bersifat peribadi dalam bahasa ibunda, aku sendiri baru nak membiasakan; memanjat syukur yang sebenarnya, sebelum meluah hasrat yang maha-panjang-nya juga dengan sepenuh jiwa. 

Ibrahim : 7

"Dan (ingatlah) ketika Tuhan kamu memberitahu: "Demi sesungguhnya! Jika kamu bersyukur nescaya Aku akan tambahi nikmatKu kepada kamu, dan demi sesungguhnya, jika kamu kufur ingkar sesungguhnya azabKu amatlah keras."

On its severity level; untuk memanjatkan syukur seperti terdesak dan hendaknya memanjatkan hasrat keinginan dalam doa yang dipohon. 

Why do I need this syukur (dengan jiwa yang sebenar-benarnya)? 

Sebab betapa syukur ini pada pandangan aku, boleh menjadi motivasi terkuat (dan sebagai insan yang lemah, aku sangatlah memerlukan motivasi) dalam hidup ini. It works on me, at least. As to limit my impatience self. Like, "hey patutlah pentingnya bersyukur. It's not for nothing. It's a life component, probably much needed by many."

Sebab dengan syukur ini juga, dapat menjadi elemen "baik pulih" dalam hubungan sesama manusia, lebih-lebih lagi bersama orang terdekat, orang sekeliling; mak ayah, suami isteri, kaum kerabat dll.

Kalau tidak bersyukur, akan sukar merasa qanaah (cukup)

Kalau tidak bersyukur, akan menjadi riak dan kufur nikmat. 

dan banyak lagi penyakit hati yang sedikit demi sedikit memakan diri dan orang lain. Na'udzubillahi min dzalik.

Penyakit hati membawa kepada buruk perangai. Buruk perangai akan menjejaskan hubungan kekeluargaan dan rumah tangga, akhlak yang buruk dicontohi pasangan dan tanggungan (anak-anak) dan seterusnya seterusnya semakin besar implikasi dari satu-satu hal yang (sengaja atau tidak sengaja) telah terlepas pandang. 

Bagaimana mendidik syukur? 

Finally back to this first question. (kerana kita hanya orang biasa-biasa, bukan alim warak yang lebih mudah menjiwai setelah maknanya difahami). 

1. Dengan niat: Niatkan untuk mendidik rasa syukur. Niat tu rasa kita sendiri. 
2. Dengan ilmu: lahirkan rasa minat untuk belajar tentang rasa syukur, belajar mengenal Tuhan yang Maha Pengasih, Yang Maha Memberi Rezeki, Allah swt yang Maha Segala supaya tahu setiap yang dapat dan yang tidak dapat; setiap satupun termasuk dalam ketetapan-Nya. Ilmu ini jalannya banyak. Dari pembacaan panjang lebar begini, dari kuliah-kuliah dan kelas agama, atau setidak-tidaknya, bermula dari reels dan video pendek juga boleh. Dduniakan di hujung jari; dan kita tinggal memilih, dunia macam mana yang kita mahu. 
3. Dengan doa: Kena minta pada Allah swt supaya dihadirkan rasa syukur yang sebenar dalam hati. Benda tak mudah, kepada Tuhanlah kita meminta sebab Allah swt pemilik hati ini. Minta supaya dimasukkan dalam golongan yang sedikit, dan seperti yang disebutkan sebelum ini, boleh juga mula gunakan cara berdoa yang baru; untuk menyatakan syukur terlebih dahulu tentang satu-satu perkara sebelum berdoa/ meminta sesuatu hasrat tentangnya. Ikut pemahaman aku (yang supaya boleh dipraktikkan) contohnya...
• [Syukur] Ya Allah, alhamdulillah untuk kesihatan yang baik hari ini, dapat melihat, bergerak dan melakukan urusan sehari-hari [Hasrat] Allahumma, kekalkan kesihatan yang baik ini, kurniakan kesihatan yang berpanjangan dan jadikan aku boleh beribadah dengannya (kesihatan yang baik)
• [S] Ya Allah, alhamdulillah kerana anak-anak masih ada dengan aku dan anak-anak sihat, [H] Allahumma, kurniakan kesihatan dan kebaikan kepada anak-anakku, jadikan mereka anak-anak yang soleh dan solehah
• [S] Ya Allah, alhamdulillah masih diberi rezeki kerja yang baik dan pendapatan yang halal, [H] Allahumma, berkatilah kerja yang dilakukan dan limpahkanlah darinya rezeki yang berkat. Luaskanlah rezeki kami.
• Ya Allah, alhamdulillah untuk kedua orang tua yang masih ada bersama, [H] Allahumma, berkati usia kedua orang tuaku, selamatkan mereka dari azab api nerakamu dan jadikanlah aku anak yang soleh/solehah kepada keduanya.
• Dan seterus-seterusnya; dengan doa yang sesuai. I mean, this is how I comprehend to the statement  anjuran syukur sebelum meminta/memohon hasrat dalam adab berdoa. And of course, I don't mean one has to list out everything too (kerana had kesuntukan masa dsb), but instead, cukuplah disesuaikan dan selari dengan hasrat yang biasa dipohon. thus to pair them up dengan menyatakan syukur yang sepadan. 'Acknowledge before we pledge'. Kita minta diluaskan rezeki... apa tidak cukup rezeki yang telah diberi? apa tidak disyukuri? Betul, Allah al 'Alim, hua wasi'un 'alim (Maha Luas Pengetahuan-NYA), tak perlu cakappun Tuhan tahu. But I don't see the harm in making it known too, in our dua. Sedangkan tambahan elemen syukur juga adalah kerana firman-NYA yang menyuruh kita bersyukur lebih-lebih lagi. 
4. Dengan paksa (sampai biasa): amalkan untuk menyebut alhamdulillah untuk setiap yang menggembirakan/ hal yang baik walaupun kecil. Paksa dulu sampai biasa. Trivial things pun "alhamdulillah"; atau pada setiap selesai sesuatu urusan... ucapkan alhamdulillah. At least pada ucapan kita, kita cuba adil pada hal kecil dan besar untuk sama disyukuri sehinggalah betul-betul dijiwai hati.
5. Dengan perbuatan: Mulai hari ini, lazimi ucapan terima kasih untuk hal-hal kecil. Ada kalanya kita lebih mudah terlepas pandang berterima kasih kepada orang yang rapat dengan kita berbanding orang asing. Kita lebih mudah terlepas pandang, berterima kasih untuk hal-hal besar yang luar biasa berbanding untuk sumbangan yang nampak kecil. 
6. Dengan ikhtiar/ kaedah tertentu: Belajar menghitung nikmat/ hal yang disyukuri (walau sekecil dan sebiasa apa halnya). Kira yang baik untuk tidak berkira kesusahan dan kesukaran dalam kehidupan sehari-hari. Semoga lama-lama kita hadam bahawa hal yang baik yang dikurniakan adalah tidak terkira banyaknya, dan kemudian semoga "acknowledgement" ni dapat mendamaikan hati kita untuk sabar dalam situasi tidak diingini yang sebaliknya. 
• The happy jar/ the happy notes: Menulis perkara yang menggembirakan/ yang disyukuri secara ringkas di atas kertas nota yang kecil lalu digulungkan/ lipat dan masukkan ke dalam bekas/ balang. So that as hardship is inflicted upon, kita boleh melihat betapa banyaknya nikmat yang telah kita dapat sebagai motivasi sabar menghadapi sebarang kesukaran yang datang. Kadang-kadang sebenarnya kita memang tahu bahawa nikmat-nikmat ini banyak dan ada. Tapi selagi tak "nampak obvious", manusia akan cenderung untuk fokus benda semasa yang dirasakan (dalam hal ni, satu-satu ujian dan kepayahan). This jar will simply be as statement for ones 'to look back' that not everything is bad and it's not every time too (since you have been there before receiving all the nikmat you're grateful at)
• The list of the unlimited: Buat dua column dalam buku catatan. Satu adalah hal yang "disyukuri" - Senaraikan nikmat yang diperoleh setiap hari. Termasuklah hal yang diperoleh atau yang sedia ada yang disyukuri sama ada dalam bentuk materi dan hal yang bukan fizikal (perasaan-perasaan yang baik/ pencapaian dll). Satu lagi column "diperbaiki" - Senaraikan hal yang dirasakan perlu diperbaiki atau agak mendukacitakan/ yang dirasakan menguji pada hari tersebut. Boleh jadi sesuatu yang gagal diperoleh atau perasaan yang tidak baik. As you go, (in shaa Allah yakinlah) you will see banyak sebenarnya hal yang perlu disyukuri and it might serves as a clear comparison too, bahawasanya hal yang baik adalah jauh lebih banyak berbanding hal yang sebaliknya (relatively). Bukan saja dapat jadi motivasi untuk bersabar terhadap diri sendiri, juga boleh mendidik kesabaran terhadap orang lain bila hal baik dan tidak baik tu bersangkutan dengan orang lain (fam, spouse, friends). 
• 
  
  
  
  As for me, tulis dalam buku, lebih mudah nak disimpan dan dibelek semula sebagai refleksi dan muhasabah sendiri. Tak akan sama dengan hitungan yang sebenar, tetapi melalui cuba menyenaraikan sebanyak mungkin nikmat, selain mendidik diri bersyukur, boleh menjadi motivasi sabar juga. Bersabar dengan dugaan, bersabar dengan kekurangan diri dan orang lain serta a check and balance untuk memperbaiki kekurangan tersebut.

Hadis Riwayat Imam At Tirmizi (Jami’ al-Tirmizi, No: 2512)

“Daripada ‘Amar bin Shu’aib daripada datuknya ‘Abdullah bin ‘Amar katanya, saya mendengar Rasulullah s.a.w: “Dua perkara sesiapa yang memilikinya Allah s.w.t. menulisnya sebagai orang yang bersyukur dan orang yang bersabar. Sesiapa yang tidak memilikinya Allah tidak akan menulisnya sebagai orang yang bersyukur dan orang yang bersabar. Orang yang melihat (mengukur) dalam urusan agamanya kepada orang yang lebih tinggi daripadanya lalu dia mengikutinya dan sesiapa yang melihat (mengukur) dunianya kepada orang yang lebih rendah daripadanya lalu dia memuji Allah kerana limpahan Allah s.w.t. untuknya maka Allah menulisnya sebagai orang yang bersyukur lagi sabar. (Sebaliknya) Sesiapa yang melihat dalam urusan agamanya kepada orang yang lebih rendah daripadanya dan melihat dalam urusan dunianya kepada orang yang lebih tinggi daripadanya lalu dia berdukacita kerana tidak memperolehinya maka Allah s.w.t. tidak akan menulisnya sebagai orang yang bersyukur dan bersabar”. 

Syukur dan sabar adalah dua sifat yang disukai Allah swt. Dalam terjemahan hadis di atas juga diberitahu bagaimana meletakkan tempat sabar dan syukur. Dalam urusan agama, caranya untuk selalu melihat kepada orang yang lebih tinggi (berkelebihan) agamanya lalu dicontohi. Manakala dalam urusan keduniaan perlu sentiasa melihat kepada orang yang lebih rendah (kekurangan) berbanding diri sendiri lalu merasakan  syukur atas kelebihan yang diberikan berbanding orang lain. Cara ini sekaligus mendidik sabar terhadap kekurangan (urusan dunia) diri sendiri kerana tidak melihat (mengukur) kepada mereka yang lebih tinggi (berkelebihan) urusan dunianya; yakni yang bersifat materi dsb.

Semoga tulisan posting kali ini menyuntik semangat untuk bersyukur. Semoga turut menyuntik semangat untuk refleksi dan koreksi kualiti syukur kepada Allah swt. Bukan untuk orang lain, lebih-lebih lagi untuk diri sendiri tengok balik di masa akan datang. I always found my previous postings selalunya sebagai pemujuk diri yang sekarang. Harapnya begitulah juga posting hari ni kepada hari-hari mendatang. 

Sekian. 

Panjang betul. 

Assalamualaikum. 

Masakan Makjah: Ayam Masak Lemak Cili Padi (dengan Cendawan Hitam)

 Assalamualaikum wbt semua 

(walaupun taktahu jika masih ada pembaca atau tak sekarang ni)

Salam Ramadan diucapkan; semoga kita semua diberi kemudahan dalam memenuhi tuntutan ibadah berpuasa dan lebih-lebih lagi dalam menjalani Ramadan seluruhnya. 

Harini aku nak kongsikan resipi lauk yang sesuai dimakan dengan nasi putih panas-panas. Aku first time cuba buat pada 1 Ramadan tempoh hari secara kebetulan, diilhamkan dari cadangan seorang kawan. Katan Wafa (kawan tu lah); "serai cili kunyit je" bahannya. Disebabkan tak ada kekangan bahan dan ringkas benor bahan tu, akupun setuju. 

So, here is the recipe Ayam Masak Lemak Cili Padi versi Negeri Sembilan (tanpa tumisan bawang tiga beradik) yang diolah dengan bahan-bahan yang aku ada dan cara masak yang mungkin berbeza. 

Bahan-bahan

• Ayam potongan sederhana (campur bahagian)
• Serai 3 batang (serai yang ada jenis halus-halus. so letak lebih sikit)
• Daun Kunyit 1 lembar
• Serbuk Kunyit approx. 2 sudu besar (digaul pada ayam)
• Cili padi (ikut selera)
• Cili Merah 3-4 batang juga (sebab taknak pedas sangat, so lebihkan cili merah)
• Air (ikut kesesuaian)
• Santan separuh kotak kecil (aku guna KARA kotak je)
• Cendawan/ Kulat hitam
• Garam secukup rasa
• Kentang 1 biji hat beso

                            

Contoh penyediaan hidangan: Tambah telur masin dan salad, memang kena sangat!

Cara-cara penyediaan masakan

1. Kentang dibuang kulit dan dibilas bersih untuk direbus terlebih dahulu. sebab kentang lambat lembut dan aku berkejar waktu berbuka. heheh
2. Cendawan/ kulat hitam yang besar, aku guna dalam dua je gitu, rendam dan rebuskan juga dulu supaya kembang dan lembut. akan digunting untuk kecil-kecilkan sikit.
3. Cili padi dan ciri merah dikisar separa halus. Tambah air sikit supaya senang hancur.
4. Ayam dipotong dan dibilas bersih. Lepastu gaulkan dengan serbuk kunyit. Aku letak agak banyak dari biasa biar berlebih nak bagi kuning kuah dan naik rasa kunyit (sebab aku tak ada stok kunyit hidup)
5. Panaskan kuali, letak air sikit. Aku letak sesenduk gitu (sebab ghiso ayam melekat. kuali kita bukan non-stick). Maukkan ayam yang dah digaul serbuk kunyit. Biarkan ayam tu separa masak; nampak kecut sikit. 
6. Selepas seketika, masukkan serai yang dah diketuk. 
7. Letak campuran cili padi dan cili merah, stir well dan kalini masakkan ayam dengan cili dan serai biar sampai naik bau sikit. 
8. Masukkan air, sukatan aku dalam 3-4 cawan mug. dan lepastu perasakan dengan garam. Gaul sebati. 
9. Masukkan santan dan gaul sebati. Pastikan kuah mula kelihatan kekuning-kuningan. Kena godek-gaul selalu supaya sebati.
10. Masukkan potongan kentang, tunggu sampai menggelegak. 
11. masukkan cendawan/kulat hitam pulak.. 
12. Masukkan daun kunyit yang telah dihiris. 
13. Biar masak sikit lagi. Sampai naik bau dan nampak cantik warna kuningnya. Masani pakai api kecil. biarkan dia mereneh je. 
14. Done and hidangkan. 

p.s. Edit: Untuk part cendawan/kulat hitam tu, sebenarnya tak mencapai betul-betul tekstur yang aku nak. Tak cukup kembang dan kembut rasanya sebab still ada rasa "crunchy" bila mengunyah tu. Kena revised cara penyediaan, sebab aku guna cendawan kering. Ada baca yang perlu rendam dalam air untuk 1-2 jam sebelum penyediaan untuk lembutkan. But anyway, dari segi rasa memang marvelous, suami la bagitahu. Dia suka!

Masakan Makjah: Spaghetti Aglio Olio

 Assalamualaikum wbt. Hai selamat pagi!

Been so long since the last entri on #masakanmakjah. And finally, feel like posting one again. Semenjak jadi isteri orang, memang lagi banyak memasak. Aku ambil gambar tidap-tiap kali menjadi juadahnya. Cumanya bila nak taip balik resipi, aku jadi lupa bila dah berselang hari tu lama sangat. tu lah payahnya bila resipi ikut suka hati main campak-campak kan. 

Ada hari jadi, ada hari terkurang juga itu-ini. The key is (bagi aku lah), sebelum and masa memask tu, bismillah and selawat banyak-banyak. Memasakpun kena dalam keadaan yang gembira, mood tengah okay. In shaa Allah; all combined memang vavavoom rasanya *chefkiss.

Okaylah. Lets - Bahan-bahannya:

• Spaghetti (1/2 bungkus; makan dua orang)
• Daging cincang Ramly (1/2 bungkus)
• Bawang putih: 5-6 ulas (diketuk) 
• Cili padi: 3 biji (sebab taknak pedas sangat)
• Daun kari: 3 tangkai
• Garam
• Serbuk Parsley Mccormick
• Italian Herbs Meriah 
• Tauge hijau/ pea sprout: sengenggam
• Slice cheese (2 slices)

Cara memasak: 

1. Spaghetti nak kena rebus dulu. Masak air dulu dalam pot (aku masak guna rice cooker je). Letak minyak masak sikit siap-siap. Aku letak garam, serbuk parsley dan serbuk campuran Italian herbs juga dalam air tu.  Air dah menggelegak, baru aku masukkan spaghetti, rebus sampai dah rasa lembut. 
2. Sambil tunggu spaghetti lembut, masukkan minyak dalam kuali. Tak banyak sangat, tapi jangan sikit sangat (probably 1 senduk kott memadai). sebelum minyak terlalu panas, masukkan bawang putih. jangan bagi hangit bawang putih ni. 
3. Masukkan daging hancur sampai masak dan sebati dengan bawang putih tadi.
4. Masukkan potongan cili kecil dan daun kari
5. Masukkan garam , gaul semula sebatikan rasa. Garam tu jangan masuk sikit sangat; secubit dua. Agak-agak dalam < 1 sudu teh gitu. (aku tak ukur sangat)
6. Spaghetti yang dah masak, toskan sebelum masukkan dalam kuali. 
7. Masukkan spaghetti, lepastu terus masukkan tauge hijau. Letak sekali serbuk parsley dan italian herbs sebelum gaul balikkan spaghetti yang baru letak tadi dalam minyak bawang putih (dan bahan-bahan lain).
8. Agak-agak spaghetti tengah panas sekata dalam kuali, masukkan cheese slice yang diracik-racik. sebelum digaul balik.
9. Boleh hidang dah. aku tambah lagi serbuk parsley and italian herbs sikit untuk plating.  

Untuk Aglio Olio, key rasa dia dekat bawang putih dan garam. bawang putih kena masak, tapi tak sama macam tumis biasa. kita masukkan bawang putih dari sebelum minyak betul-betul panas lagi sampailah dah minyak dah panas. kedua, garam kena ngam-ngam rasa. Terkurang, memang tak naik rasa. Terlebih, akan masin jadinya. Aku masukkan cheese slice untuk naikkan lemak sikit, and to counter kalau extra masin sangat (aku pernah juga letak santan in another recipe). Kalau nak pedas lagi, letak lebih sikit cili kecil tu. Suami aku kata sedap. Tu yang aku up juga dekat sini as an entri. 

p.s. mini burger tu buat hiasan gambar saja. Aku beli dekat office. Bun, with bijan on top. isi dia, nugget, salad, sos cheese dan mayonaise. 

kbai. ciao.

Tin Kosong; Killing the Time

 Assalamualaikum wbt

Feeling a bit numb as of the moment. Rasa macam tak best, tapi taktahu apa yang tak best yang duk rasa ni. Tak ada puncapun. Sebab biologipun bukan juga; tak kena waktunya. 

Nak menulis, pun taktahu apa nak ditulis. Maka.. sekadar menaip melekakan kepala dari perasaan hambar yang datang mengacau, agaknya.

So many things are happening dalam tempoh berbulan sejak posting sebelum ini. Banyak benda dah ditempuh, banyak isu baru yang turut memberi kesan serta banyak juga perubahan dari macam-macam aspek kehidupan.

Dalam masa yang sama, lama dah juga berangan nak buat satu entri tentang nikah dan walimah yang berlangsung Ogos tahun lalu; tapi tak pernah betul-betul bersedia nak meaip lagi (dek nak diletak gambar banyak bukan main, itulah yang tak pernah ada tu).

Between Work and Weddings

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim...

Assalamualaikum wbt.

(Np Merisik Khabar Akim & Farrah Cover)

Lagi tiga hari yang berbaki. Kesibukan di pejabat dan lebih-lebih lagi kesibukan melakukan persiapan untuk urusan majlis dan kenduri, menjadikan kepala dan hati kedua-duanya tak sempat nak memproses perubahan yang bakal berlaku. Bagusnya, overthinking is being prevented. Kurang bagusnya, aku rasa macam all the thoughts and feels akan dump on me lump-sum bila aku dah terlalu hampir dengan detik-detik bertukar status bujang - berkahwin. 

Macam sekarang, macam dah mula datang segala itu-ini. baru mula nak terfikir dan berfikir semula. New chapter coming orang kata. A co-author is a plus at that. Tak ada siapa menidakkan hakikat, bahawa rumah tangga itu tidak semata-semata smooth sailing sahaja. I am fully aware. Dan tak ada pula orang yang tak mengharapkan keindahan dan kebahagiaan dalam sebuah perkahwinan. Harapan tertinggi tetap untuk sebuah kebahagiaan. Theoretically, I know these two have to merge melalui tawakkul 'alallah. tawakal yang akan merendahkan expectations terhadap kesempurnaan dan yang akan menguatkan ikhtiar ke arah bahagia sampai syurga. 

Hustle and Hassle

Assalamualaikum wbt.

Remember when it was just several months ago, I wrote that it is hard to leave a good company. 

Here some more., an interesting finding.. "it is harder to leave a bad one."

I am feeling anxious and furious rn. Anxious of what else to come next and furious about what is currently happening. Not to mention, the frustration piling up as my trust being broken and shattered to pieces. 

"Huallah, Allahu Rabbi, laa syariikalah"

What happened today is way out of my plan. 6 months ago, I would never know this would have happened. 

I took up the offer to teach in an international school given my passion to teach. Only then to know that it is quite new in the scene for yet than a year . The offer came right after my engagement, sounds much like an opportunity of a great endeavor. As anxious I might have felt leaving the kind bosses, helpful colleagues and my fiance here at my previous job, I ought to break new ground in my career path. henceforth the hard decision. I always believe that there is rezqi in everything and every time, no exception on this one. "chulbal, lets go!!"

Teaching is great! Students are precious and teachers are resourceful. The profession has its own challenges which only make it more attractive to stick to. thus, I pour what I had and adapted. That is, despite the newness of the institution that make it lacking in so many structural form. That being said -  It has no Principal in charge but Deputy Head of the School at that moment, it has (court sorts) cases with its previous terminated-teachers (claiming the teachers are at fault; obviously) The high students turnover (the inability to retain customer), low admission rate with no proper sales and marketing team to take charge of it (but one man-show handled by only 1 personnel - later resigned, then on leveraging the teachers to do marketing and sales), the financial struggle (with some teachers were unpaid up to 4 months) and etc. Way too much of a red flag showing poor business practice by the company/management team. as a result, I got to see colleagues alike resigning from their post along the way because of the inconsistency they felt from the employer. 

Regardless, I still made my way through and through. The students are there to motivate me, so I tolerate and compromise. Ig the dedication was seen and acknowledged for towards the end of my probation period,  I was being awarded The Best Female Teacher for the term, 2022/2023; Alhamdulillah.

But sadly. That is that. when the salary payment (again) was way overdue, I got anxious. and the way management response to the issue, did turned me off big time. No prior notice issued, no meeting held to explain the situation and pointing fingers happened at it best.

I was somewhat did my own digging later on, simply to learnt that the company has not being transparent about 'not paying to my EPF and SOCSO contributions'. They did not pay me full amount, but they also did not contributing. The math is not mathing! No one really response to my inquiries when I revert to them about the issue. Hanky-panky saying that, the contributions will somehow to be made when the financial situation gets better yada-yada. They are toying with me straight on my face, not knowing that I was informed about how the hack things work. I played along, playing dumb. 

I decided to left (too) after so much thinking being done. I considered a lot. but my main drive is that, I did not feel comfortable any longer working. It feels wrong at so many levels, thus I handed my two-weeks notice as per to the contract requirements regarding the resignation procedure. My last date was supposedly to be effective on June 7th, before one sidedly being amended to the end of May (by the school) via whatsapp. To my surprise, I was then verbally and promptly being informed of early released on May 24th (along with guaranteed payment for May).  That was after about 50 minutes of questioning (interrogating?) my decisions and 2 on 1 conversation with the deputy head of school and head of operation personnel. It was quite messed up. Very much unprofessional. 

Fast forward to this day. June 8th 2023 Payment is yet to be paid. Now becoming overdue as the cut date was yesterday (on the 7th of the next salary month). Teachers that are staying had received their shares while it seems that I will have to fight for my rights. My commitments are due. Now after all the hustle, this is a hassle. Upsetting, really. 

p.s. Respectfully, I immediately refer to the HR cum accounting personnel this morning to inquire about my May salary, only to be replied that the matter has to be referred to the Deputy Head of the School (like wht?). Then, when someone (whose in the same shoes as I am) did refer to him as suggested. the deputy head of school said that it is not within his job scope for this so called salary matter (obviously, understood). 

It is always hard to leave a good place

It is always hard to leave a good place. 

But oftentimes, people are leaving anyway hoping that a better place awaits. 

Ditemukan dengan rakan sekerja, majikan yang baik-baik adalah azam (I wrote it as doa in my notebook) tahun lepas. Hendak bekerja sehingga satu tahun lamanya juga turut ditulis sebagai azam (sebab jarang dapat stay lama bila melibatkan ketidakpastian skim kontrak ni, hence the prayers). 

Alhamdulillah. I hope it is not too much to claim that my prayers are heard and granted. Ngam-ngam pada awal Januari 2022 dapat kerja di BTM. Memang baik-baik semuanya dari persekitaran kerja sehinggalah ke warga kerjanya juga. What is the odd in meeting good coworkers, seniors and bosses? The chances are slim. Lebih-lebih lagi setelah one traumatic working experience in 2021. Especially when people these days are under pressure of meeting goals and performances. or probably dek pengalaman kerja aku sendiri yang tak seberapa ada menjadikan diri sendiri sedikit pesimis. Professionalism might even kills the courtesy, ngl. But alhamdulillah all over again, this working experience of mine, at this place, this time turned out to be a good one.

Seksyen yang baru, guided by ketua seksyen terpaling berpengalaman dalam jabatan. Very insightful, charismatic while in the same time approachable enough dengan anak buah. Mother-like gitu. As soon as in the first week of working, I got to be included to celebrate her birthday together with the whole section. Masa tu la getting all these positive impression (proven over time) terhadap semua orang. What I saw is courtesy and consideration being practiced despite all the working efficiency alike. 

Dapat desk-mate yang I would consider a soulmate kalau dia lelaki means we really did click along especially from my POV. Heh. We will never run out topic to discuss. Be it academically, or gossips alike. Dia punya brainstorm tu memang level otw buat Phd lol. I keep no secrets with her, as much as I could recall. Apa-apa cerita je di rumah memang ended up akan terluah muntah jugak. A different kind of transparency and chemistry from how I have it with colleagues from either degree days or during schools. Shout out to Anis Hamizah for all the times we spent while working together. It is a pleasant one which I hope she feels no less than me too (fingers crossed). I am fortunate that we somehow  were accepted and came into BTM in pairing. Imagine if not, aku yang canggung ni memang tak ke mana lah sampai ke sudah. 

Aku rasa tempat ni memang very takdir-like. Magical gitu. Not that it is perfect. But beautiful enough to recall to. over all, I ought to see this place as to where I rebound after  teruk kerja mystep syarikat sendirian-berhad sebelumnya. A rebound for my lonely loveless life juga because I met him here. I literally just came in to meet some new strangers with kind heart (new knowledge input is bonus) and meeting my jodoh (in shaa Allah) before moving out and growing again. January-February last year was actually especially rough. Perhaps because of the emotional distress I got from tempat lama in 2020, I was somehow ttiber feeling lost pulak. Centulah. Thus this place has done its healing part on me.

Long story short, esok dah hari terakhir bekerja. Alhamdulillah untuk 1 tahun, 1 bulan dan 10 hari yang baik-baik. Dalam rasa syukur, sesungguhnya lebih rasa berat rasa hati. Semoga orang baru di tempat baru nantipun baik-baiklah macam yang di tempat lama ini, hendaknya. Anxious (sangat) sebenarnya. Moga boleh bagi yang terbaik dan saling berbagi nilai seperti diniatkan. Moga menjadi rezeki; kerja baru yang berkat, kenalan baru yang welcoming, membantu dan baik hati budi serta ilmu baru yang manfaat. Fuhh aamiinkanlah banyak-banyak kali. 

It is a good place, because of it's good people. 

P.s. I am so sorry that I am still lacking in so many ways throughout the year while working here. Takdan nak kenal semua dan tidak helok mana juga. Tak rasa macam disukai semuapun. Hanya banyak menuai baik budi dan tunjuk ajar dari orang lain. Semoga semua yang baik-baik Allah balaskan dengan berganda-ganda lagi kebaikan di sisi-NYA. 

Simple B'fast Chicken Wrap

 Assalamualaikum wbt.

Petang ni, sebelum sign out from work I would like to recall resipi bekal sarapan harini. Sebab kemenjadian (kebetulan) eh..tersedap! Padahal bagi lidah dan tekak sendiri je. So here it is, yang teringkas sekali (of what I have in my fridge).

Bahan A:

1. Gardenia Roll-up Wraps Wholemeal - 1 atau 2 keping
2. Sos cili
3. timun hiris nipis dan bulat

Bahan B

1. Daging Ayam Kisar Ramly - asingkan 1/5 atau 1/6 bahagian
2. bawang putih 1 ulas ketuk kasar dan cincang halus
3. lada benggala seco'et; ada lah dalam 1-2 inci dipotongd dadu kecil
4. cendawan butang - 1 atau 2 biji sederhana besar (kalau cendawan butang tin mungkin perlu lebihkan sedikit sebab saiz agak kecil)
5. parsley sikit
6. garam secubit
7. lada hitam kisar sikit 

Langkah Penyediaan:

1. letak minyak masak sikit dan panaskan minyak. Api paras kecil hingga sederhana.
2. Masukkan daging ayam kisar dan hirisan bawang putih. Gaul sebati sehingga ayam masak.
3. Masukkan cendawan butang. Gaul kaup balik semua bahan sekejap. Masukkan lada benggala. Besarkan api sambil kaup balik berkali-kali; untuk seketika sebab nak keringkan lebihan air dari ayam ataupun sayur sekiranya ada
4. masukkan garam secubit dua; agak-agak.
5. Tabur daun parsley kisar kering dan serbuk lada hitam serta gaul sebati semua bahan.
6. Standby Gardenia Wraps, susun timun yang dah dipotong, letak sos cili dan akhir sekali tuang Bahan B yang telah siap dimasak.
7. Alhamdulillah siap!

Perasaan 27 September, Dirasa Balik Hari ini.

 Assalamualaikum wbt. 

Sesungguhnya, agak lapang hari ini. Sampai akhirnya memutuskan untuk menulis lagi di sini setelah beberapa ketika sebelumnya, Jun lalu. 

"Dah mencari kerja?"

"Mohon tak xxx? Haritu ada bukaan jawatan besar-besaran."

"Tak dapat kerja lagi ke?"

"Tak cuba mohon xxx?"

Kelakar juga bila sesekali menerima soalan-soalan macamni. Tambah-tambah pula ditanya orang yang sama ketika sedang berada dalam persekitaran kerja. 

Tidak cukup kerjakah ni? Tertanya-tanya sendiri. 

Tetapi kemudian terfikir juga, cukup puaskah kerjanya? Cukup dikerjakan kah? Cukup berhempas pulas? Inikah dewasa yang pernah dicita-citakan suatu ketika dulu, waktu darjah satu-dua?

Kalaulah kehidupan hari ini senang-senang kacang, bolehlah memilih hendaknya apa. Tapi kehidupan hari ini sebenarnya mencabar serba-serbi. Sampai kadang-kadang boleh hilang diri sendiri; kerana lupa.. lupa telah mengharung hari-hari sebelum ini dengan bersusah payah demi masa depan yang angannya hendak menjamin kehidupan. Lupa haritu belajar bukan main lama dek mengejar gred terbaik (yang mampu) sampai berpuluh-puluh kertas semuanya digabung dari STPM sehingga ijazah sarjana. Lupa bahawa diri sendiri ada kekuatan yang berbeza dari orang lain, kerana setiap orang itu kan sememangnya berbeza. Lupa, bersyukur juga sejujurnya. 

Begitu banyak yang pernah dicapai dahulu, begitu banyak yang pernah dicuba. Begitu bermati-matian darah muda. Tetapi begitu zuhud menjadi dewasa. begitu banyak yang hendak dibuat, tetapi tak dapat. Begitu banyak peluang, tetapi lebih banyak yang berjuang sorang-sorang; mencari ruang untuk menempatkan diri demi menyara diri sendiri. 

p.s. Rezeki setiap orang tak sama. Kita sedang beriman dengan Tuhan dan ikhtiar. Kalaulah orang lain tidak hiraukan kuman di seberang berbanding gajah depan mata... tentulah takkan pijar rasanya macam dicucuh garam atas luka. Hm. 

Balik dari Hiatus; Bercakap Soal Hati

 Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Assalamualaikum wbt.

Lama dah tak menulis dekat sini. Dan memilih sekarang, untuk tiba-tiba menulis semula dan berkongsi perkembangan semasa (sekadarnya). 

-  k e k o k -

Jadi kekok memikirkan macam mana nak menyusun ayat, atau laras bahasa macam mana yang nak diguna. Padahal, ada dah bendanya dalam kepala yang nak dikongsi cerita. Ahh.. tapi segan pula rasanya. Semakin tua, semakin penyegan; entah benda baik atau sebaliknya. 

Ya, memang jauh pergi bunga-bunga sebelum nak masuk cerita utama. Masih berdolak-dalih lagi tentunya. Masih... 

Dulu dekat sini, tempat nak mencurah rasa. Tentang dia di tahun duaributigabelas itu ada sini. Tentang dia yang adalahtu-siapa di zaman uni, juga sempat terakam. Makanya yang kali ini, lebih-lebih lagi rasa nak menyimpannya di sini. Bahkan yang ini sepatutnya adalah yang terpaling istimewa sekali berbanding lain-lain cerita dongeng sebelumnya. Semoga. 

- h e l a  n a f a s - 

Makanya, jika cuba diberani dan dipendek cerita (walaupun tak ada yang membaca, tetap tertahan-tahan juga perasaan nak berterus terang. Aduhai)... sebenarnya nak diluahkan bahawa hati ini, hari ini sudah kembali berpunya. Sudah ada nama yang didoakan saban waktu, ada harapan yang dibaja, serta lebih-lebih lagi ada perasaan sayangnya. 

- t a k u t - 

Takut juga. Dan ketakutan yang kali ini.. bukan semacam takut dulu-dulu; yang takut perasaan bertepuk sebelah tangan dan sebagainya. ianya ketakutan disebabkan betapa seriusnya keadaan ni serta betapa akan mencabar juga halnya nak mempersiapkan diri demi masa depan. 

- . . . . .  -

- s a y a n g -

Terasa cringe nak menaip. sampai diulang taip-padam beberapa kali. Tapi yang terpaling cringe itulah yang hari-hari bermain-main di tangkai hati, berlegar-legar dalam kepala. merusuh-rusuh juga. Hampir nak tertunggang terbalik masa mula-mula perlu menguruskan perasaan sendiri. Almaklumlah, tak ada pengalaman bercinta. Adapun zaman sekolah yang cuma main-main sahaja. (main-mainpun itulah antara yang terpaling seksa jiwa raga. Lama). Hari-hari perasaan sayang, mengharap, takut, tak pasti datang sekali dan berganti-ganti. Selagi tak dihujung cerita, selagi itulah tak ada kepastian. Balik-balik bila berdoa usai solat dan dalam tahajud, memang menyebut "aku kembalikan perasaan aku daan hubungan ni kepada Mu. dan sepenuhnya bergantung harap juga kepada Mu untuk yang terbaik bagi kedua-duanya" Terpaling misteri dan thrill hari-hari.  

Rasa nak menangis pula taip ni (tibbaahh. ahahah.)  Sensitif bila menyebut tentang doa. Jadi berkolam mata. Sebab tak ada yang lain dengan doa yang dipanjatkan, melainkan harapan yang teramat sangat. (cengeng lah Zah!) 

- d o a -

Teringat dulu 2019, ada satu posting doa yang dikongsi dekat dalam ni. [Klik: A DU'A OF MINE]. Dan sesungguhnya doa tu sampai hari ini pun masih valid lagi. Dengan harapan, kalau betul dia orangnya, maka dialah seperti yang didoakan. Tak, tak ada pun berlebih-lebih yang diminta dalam doa tu. Tidak minta orang berada, tidak juga hendak orang yang cekap sempurna, bahkan jelas-jelas sedari dulu pun memang dah disebut, moga-moga kalau nak dijumpakan; yang penting pada kesungguhannya, keikhlasan dan hormatnya terhadap aku dan segala yang terkait dengan diri ini. Selagi mana yang diterima itu adalah yang terbaik diusahakan, aku juga (dari dulu lagi) dah niatkan untuk berusaha sebaiknya; atau lebih baik lagi. In shaa Allah. 

Doakanlah. yang terbaik. 

p.s. Wah jadi gemuruh juga usai habis menaip satu posting comeback yang tak seberapa. ahhahaahahah. Betapalah tak berpengalamannya. (Macam mana nak bertenang semula? Hello?)

Masakan Makjah: DIY Maggie Ala-ala Bibimyeon

 Hai Assalamualaikum. 

Sekarang tengah pukul 1:36 pagi. Kebetulan rasa nak berkongsi resipi makan malam tadi. More to snacking sebenarnya. Kebetulan rajin! hahah.

Tengah menyambil on playlist lagu-lagu patriotik ni haa. Ingat nak dikumpul dan dijadikan pengisian dalam akaun instagram @frzfuisi. Alangkan sempena tengah mood bulan kemerdekaan lagi ni kan. Plus, a song is a poem in a way when it delivers great lyrics. yeah, so why not ") 

Okay, kembali balik kepada topik maggie tadi. Ada back story ya macam mana boleh ter-nak masak maggie cara begini malamni. Terpengaruh dengan salah satu episod korean variety show: I Live Alone yang mana masatu guest dia Namgoong Min. Satu-satunya benda yang dimasak sendiri dalam episod tu, bibimyeon ni lah. Disebabkan dia tak reti memasak (walaupun instant noodle/ ramyeon), so the whole process menjadi agak slow sampaikan aku boleh capture the gist of it. Bibimyeon tu maggie goreng je, macam nak buat maggie sedap tu. Bezanya, topping dia meriah. and instead of campuran perasa yang nak digaul sekali tu berwarna hitam/gelap, bibimyeon digaul dengan pes cili (gochujang kott namanya.) which is merah terang. so the whole thing akan jadi warna merah gitu. 

Diinspirasikan dari visual bimbimyeon yang aku dok tengok tu, makanya masa nak snacking tadi... naklah jugak buat bibimyeon versi tekak melayu! Biasa aku goreng maggie atas api je (using maggie kari ya. Sebab kureng prefer mee sedap), goreng sampai jadi. Jadi considered DIY, sebab perencah dia nak kena bancuh dulu kan, bukan dah siap-dan-tinggal gaul je macam mee Sedap tu. First time dan spontan je buat, kebetulan ada leftover lauk daging tadi, aku guna itu laa jadi topping. And sesudah digaul (ala-ala segala jenis "bibim" korea lol; bibimbap - nasi goreng, bibimyeon - maggie goreng), kebetulan sedap. Makanya eloklah disimpan sini menambah koleksi resipi.

Bahan-bahan

• 1 paket magie sup perisa kari
• bawang merah (suku/separuh) dipotong dadu
• sos cili
• kicap
• Air masak
• protein (ayam atau daging atau fish cake atau apa saja ikut citarasa)
• sayur (biasanya timun cincang panjang-panjang)

Cara-cara

1. Rebus maggie sampai kembang, tos dan asingkan dalam pinggan hidangan
2. Dengan minyak masak yang sedikit (dalam 2 sudu makan agaknya) dan api sederhana masukkan bawang yang dipotong dadu/cincang halus.
3. Masukkan lauk/protein yang disukai. Macam aku tadi guna daging sahaja. Daging tu dihiris nipis leper-leper. Gaulkan bawang dan daging atas api untuk seketika. 5-10 minit, yang penting bawang naik bau. Angkat dan letak (topped) atas maggie tadi.
4. Perencah kari tu bancuhkan dengan air masak sikit. campur dengan sos cili dan kicap lemak manis jugak. Gaul sebati dan dimasak atas api sampai menggelegak. Air jangan letak banyak sangat sebab nak buat maggie goreng ni bukannya maggie sup. Heh.
5. Agak-agak nampak likat dan pekat sikit, boleh angkat dan topped atas hidangan maggie dan daging tadi.
6. Kalau nak tambah sayur silakan. topped timun atas sekali. 
7. Gaul rata semua yang ada dalam pinggan hidangan dan sedia untuk dimakan.

      

 (Maaflah, visualnya tak cantik langsung! Tapi aku nak letak jugak gambar. Bukan selalu rajin. heheh)

Senang! dan dah siap!

**Kalau nak letak telur, gorenglah telur dadar siap-siap dan hiris nipis. masukkan sekali masa menumis bawang; step ke-3. Kalau dalam bibimyeon dorang letak telur rebus.

** nak letak garam silakan. Personally aku rasa perencah maggie tu masin sangat dah, so aku memang tak akan tambah garam-garam ni. 

What is Wrong With Me?

Hey there.

I am doing the 2nd entry straightaway here after the first comeback. This one, just likewise is one spontaneous posting.

Nak buat content ala-ala informative lol. But let see if I can pull it off. Btw, nak bercerita. Baru saja ni tadi, tersalah makan ubat lagi. I mean, this is my 3rd day or so with (the new) prescribed medicines/vitamins. Nampaknya masih tunggang langgang juga. Ter-missed makanlah, salah waktulah, apalah.  And the latest one, sepatutnya this particular capsule makan sebiji sehari je. But I took it just now with the other pill. Hence an error for the nth time, aduhai. Betul-betul nak kena reset alarm bagai ni. So that I take them on time, and taking it in the right dosage too. Culas betul, my bad! low key let's hope it does not have any side effect on me.

I've been diagnosed an anemic during my (degree) semester break back in the year 2017, if not mistaken. so that explains why I can't do blood donation every time I was trying to (my first try was on 2012 during the PLKN). My HB is always low as my red blood cell is said lacking its iron, sort of. But even since 2012, I never really suspected anything and been living my life just fine. 

It all started back in 2014. Months before my degree admission in September, whence my family and I were in Kuantan for some occasion. there was a night where I suddenly have breathing difficulties, feeking choked-like and very suffocated. I do remember having thoughts almost dead that night since that was pretty much a new experience for me plus it was particularly fall onto the 1st of Sha'ban which that very date is actually the exact date we've lost Shahida the couple years before. it took a toll on my emotional state that night. Having to know how breathing difficulties really felt like and thinking that she (my late sis) had to experience the very same thing until was put into a comatose state teared me up real bad. 

Luckily I was just fine right after being brought to the nearest 24 hours clinic that midnight.

Though, from that moment onward I thought I (suddenly) am quite sensitive to cold-humid weather/condition. since I have no asthma and there's no symptom of it. It remains mystery of what illness causes me that attack. But since that first attack happened after being in an air conditioned room and after having an iced juice for the night... hence the quite-sensitive-to-cold-things just happened. I sensed the patterns afterwards that whenever it rains, or when I stayed for long in air conditioned room, or being directly under a max level fan, the same thing like that one night in June resurfacing. I started to shiver and experienced breathing difficulties. 

Back during the degree time, this explains why those seniors were cutting me some slacks, that I could skipped being in the hall for long, that I was classified "sick" not even knowing what is the exact sickness. hahah. I just told them that I can't be in that air conditioned hall for long. they have to excuse me. This condition also explains why I excluded myself from the very in-tradition "war game" during the Kelab Kembara Induction Camp since it's raining that night and I can't let myself into the rains. Those also the times when I went to class with 2-3 layers of clothes inside just to bear with the air conditioned class, of when I got sicked every time it's raining heavily in Sintok that I curled myself alone beneath the blanket, switching the lights on and the fan off. 

Only on 2017 that I know, this condition of mine is most probably are the symptoms of having an anemia. Thanks to 'I suddenly ter-blackout (or so, I can't even recall) dekat rumah' that my dad decided to take me for a full check up. That's how it gets acknowledged. 

The condition is getting better nowadays. My HB is getting higher to the date, though not yet sufficient for blood donation. Not that (too) sensitive to rains or sorts, but breathing difficulties come at times too. and just recently I acknowledge new thing upon this health condition of mine... That I have to pantang makan, that the conditions are prone to resurface because of what I consume; eat and drink. 

And these are the things. No wonder lah why I still, sesak nafas sempit dada... Basically been consuming most of the foods in the list lol. 

The following foods can interfere with iron absorption:

• tea and coffee
• milk and some dairy products
• whole-grain cereals
• foods that contain tannins, such as grapes, corn, and sorghum
• foods rich in gluten, such as pasta and other products made with wheat, barley, rye, or oats
• foods that contain phytates or phytic acid, such as brown rice and whole-grain wheat products
• foods that contain oxalic acid, such as peanuts, parsley, and chocolate

One of the most time that is making it hard for me to cope with being an anemic, obviously is during my period. Since I am physically losing blood that in a way losing even more iron I guessed. I am living fine, but I've to say it does makes me uncomfortable from time to time.

p.s. Finally knowing this health issue of mine, no wonder-lah masa STPM dulu sokmo mengadu sakit kepala. Well it's part of the symptom. I am relieved that at least, at that time; I have someone to complain to every time the symptom appeared. I wish to have someone in the near future too, hahaha. Oh and thanks seniors (and even a particular one) yang very as sensitive as myself back then, being so understanding to my conditions, cutting me some slack and protecting me from... the rain (?) heh. It seemed that I have someone I turned to, even at that time. phew... Thus its (my life is) not that bad then eyy.

okay whatever. ciao. 

Another Alter Ego

 Assalamualaikum wbt.

Been months since the last entry. Berangan saja untuk menulis dan berkongsi itu ini, but it rather stays in mind instead. 

So yeah, with an aspiration to keep writing this time around... Aku mulakan posting aku dengan tajuk seperti di atas. (And I decided to keep this rojak somehow. to be comfortable with the writing).

Another Alter Ego it says above. Aku sebenarnya berhasrat nak adakan satu blog lain yang mana tidak begitu bersifat peribadi. Where I can write and be frank about my writing while staying anonymous.You know, like coming in clean - boleh bercakap tentang banyak hal tanpa ambil kira faktor peribadi dan latar belakang yang boleh datang balik as self disadvantages. Though, kalau nak di-reset onto this blog, memang mustahil. Sebab tak kuasa rasanya nak archive those previous postings. I valued my writings here since almost everything is quite personal plus ada sentimental value. I wanted this space to stay personal and creating another with opposite manner. I already plan to (mainly) talk about dramas, movies and songs inside the new blog. nevertheless, buat masa ini rasanya perancangan tersebut gayanya akan ditangguhkan. Pat-lima kali ulang ke 'ruangan' baru, aku sendiri tetap menemukan titik buntu nak upon its setting, writing style, concept etc.

Asalnya untuk jadi lebih terbuka, frank in a way. But I ended up (lagi) tak tahu nak tulis apa. Walhal idea dan tajuk tu dah bersusun. But having (again) another alter ego just to asingkan between personal and non, I get stuck. Tak boleh berhabis jujur pula rasanya. Atau mungkin sebab dah biasa berada di sini. 

having to contemplate which blog to use for writing (though ended up here for the time being), mengenangkan aku kepada (one of the) literature piece yang pernah diguna zaman sekolah menengah dulu. Dr Hyde and Mr Jekyll kalau tak silap tajuknya. Yang mana doktor yang baik hati, mengasingkan naluri/sifat jahat dalam diri dia dengan mencipta watak yang baru pulak. So that, in such particular character he can freely be evil. He tries to set a clear line between both actually. 

Aku tidaklah sampai begitu. Tapi tendency mengasingkan antara satu perwatakan/minat/hobi dengan suatu perwatakan/minat/hobi yang lain tu macam ada rasanya. Memandangkan aku sendiri ada tiga akaun instagram untuk tiga fungsi berbeza; up to a point aku rasa ketiga-tiganya tidak nice untuk digabung sekali. Sama ada tidak nice kepada aku, atau kepada orang lain entahlah. The justifications for every time I'm doing one might change per se.

ok cop! so apa pekdah menulis posting kalini? What I'm trying to say?

Not sure myself tbh. Sekadar catatan untuk self-reflection mungkin. Elok ke tak elok nak ada alter ego (I called it that way, sejauh mana betul salah penggunaan istilah tu... again, not in my expertise) wallahu'alam. But I do sense, the reasons I'm doing this are not so favorable. I can at least sense that aku asingkan sebab bimbang judgemental orang. I wanted to play safe. 

Likely I am a poet with all those against-the-odds thoughts, but then my personal or background mungkin tak mencerminkan penulisan aku. 

or likely I am an author with all those cheesy cringey lines (katakanlah), but then again it contradicts with my background bla-bla-bla. Sort of like this. 

Having a particular space to make it professional is a BIG YES. but given my reasons (that I can sense this much of course)... I think it's unfortunate that I am actually quite scared of how others are seeing/ perceiving me. Maybe I just made the fuss up lol. 

Having to write this myself - for myself, I hope that I can be true(er) in the future without having to worry so much that I keep on thinking on creating an another alter ego that suits some of my  particular interest at particular times.

I wish that I am brave enough to embrace myself. - that I can be someone whom having a master degree but spending her time mainly enjoying kdramas. - that it is very much possible that I am someone with good religious upbringing but in the same time is very much an art enthusiast - with musics, dances and drawings. - that I can be someone who goes back and forth motivating but rather helpless in the same time. Something like this. I wish to stay true to myself. I am not fully yet, I can say.

Sekian untuk posting pertama setelah Januari sebelumnya. Dengan harapan, adalah yang kedua dan ketiganya lepas-lepasni. Just the way I've been doing the previous years. Sampai beratus-beratus postingnya. It's always a great opportunity to be able to read back and reflects better, in shaa Allah.